Going On

Noelle

“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.” 
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

The plastic of the slide was cool on my butt, I thought. Which was a funny thing to think about, when I was sitting on a play structure, bawling my eyes out. The park was bright with the light of spring, and many families strolled through the blooming park. Much to my dismay. The day was much too beautiful for me to be contemplating my own demise.

Damn weather.

My eyes shifted to the two streets that intersected, creating the lovely park on the corner. The cars whizzed by, and I wondered how much it would hurt if I ran out into that street and got hit. I supposed that I would die quickly, on impact. That would be a fair way to go.

Thump. "Daddy, what was that?"

"No need to worry, son. We just ran over one of those suicidal shits. Is she twitching? Our insurance will cover that."

A small child climbed onto the swing set, swinging back and forth gleefully. I tried to imagine what people would do if I hung myself on that swing set, which those chains. Would they hide their children's eyes? Point at me in disgust? Call the police?

"Yes, ma'am? What seems to be the problem?"

"Officer, one of those damned teenagers hung herself on the swing set. Get a clean-up crew here or something. Do you have any idea how long my son has been waiting for his turn on the swing?"

A tall, beautiful woman strolled by, arm in arm with a handsome young man, flashing their new engagement rings. The woman's sheer blue scarf flew behind her in the breeze, and I contemplated how difficult it would be to take it and smother myself. I cocked my head, wondering if asphyxiation is a painful way to go.

"See that there? That damned girl's face is near purple. Trends. Fashion. In my day, I sure as hell didn't strangle myself with no damn scarf. Fashion kills, Jimmy."

I supposed if I cried long enough, I could drown in my own tears. That would be poetic. 

Poetic. Fuck, if I wanted poetic, I should have just beat myself to death with a book of fucking poetry.

In the end, I decided that running in front of one of those speeding cars would be easiest. Possibly more painful, but undoubtedly less scarring for all the children. I stood and began walking over to the street, weaving my way through screaming and laughing children. I had only stepped one foot into the street when a hand latched onto me.

I felt the wind as a car flew past me, not more than a foot from where I was standing. The driver slammed on the horn, holding it as they flew down the street, not stopping in the least.

I suddenly felt light-headed. I just tried to kill myself. Again.

Theo's grip tightened on my hand as he pulled me out of the street, back to the safety of the grassy lawn. I was painfully aware of the dried tears on my cheeks, or my red eyes, of the hopelessness probably in my eyes.

"You came," I said weakly.

Theo nodded, still holding onto my hand.

I swallowed hard. "I need to sit down."

Theo silently led me to a park bench, and we both sat down, him watching me carefully while I stared at the ground. He stared at me as if I would be dead if he looked away for a second.

My mind flashed back to the stapler. Okay, maybe he shouldn't look away.

Theo sat silently, as if not wanting to mention the fact that I just tried to get myself hit by a car. "Um... Do you want to talk?"

"No," I said weakly. For a moment, he was quiet again, but I took a deep breath and turned back to him. "I'll talk if you answer one question for me."

Theo nodded. "Sure. Anything."

I took a deep breath. "Why did you come here?"

Silence.

I needed to find a poetry book.