Going On

Noelle

“Maybe...you'll fall in love with me all over again."
"Hell," I said, "I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?"
"Yes. I want to ruin you."
"Good," I said. "That's what I want too.” 
― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

The slow beeping of a heart monitor brought me into conscious, soft and steady. My eyes slowly opened, and my eyes searched the room I'd found myself in. A hospital room, without a doubt--white, pristine, and smelling undeniably of cleaning products and sterilizers. I glanced down at my arms, were the two X's still showed brightly against my pale skin. An IV was hooked up to one of my arms, one end of the needle still protruding from my cold skin. My eyes went down to my leg, which was elevated in a sort of sling and wrapped in a hard cast.

I noticed the sound of breathing, and quickly turned to see Theo, sitting in a chair right beside my bed. He looked so much worse than when I saw him earlier. His eyes were bloodshot with exhaustion, and his skin was pale and more sickly than I remembered.

He didn't smile, which was something I wasn't used to.

"Water intoxication," he said quietly.

"What?" I whispered. My voice sounded strange and hoarse in my ears.

"Since you couldn't swim, you consumed too much water. That resulted in water intoxication, which has been fatal."

I stared at him, not sure what to think.

"They told me that you may not wake up," he said.

He pressed his fingers to his temples.

"But here you are, right?"

Silence.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't want you to be there. You're the only one that cares about me, you know? I didn't want you to be there when... I did it. I didn't want to hurt you. I really didn't. And when you showed up... I knew I couldn't, and I was upset. I was angry at myself. I wasn't going to do it with you there... I didn't want to hurt you, Theo..."

"It wouldn't have mattered," Theo said simply. "You don't get it, do you?"

I didn't say anything.

"I wouldn't have mattered if I was there or not, Noelle. You have to understand how much I care about you. It would have killed me, whether I was there or not."

I sighed. "You shouldn't care about me. You have to know that I'm just going to do it again, right? I don't want to live. I'm sorry, but I don't. You know that I'm going to keep trying until I finally succeed, right? I don't want to hurt you, Theo, but you're going to get hurt if you keep caring about me like this."

"That's the thing," he said. "I can't control who I care about. I have no say in it. Do you think that I thought it was really a great idea to care so much for a girl who wanted nothing more than to die?"

I smiled.

"I knew it was a bad idea. I knew it was going to hurt me, and possibly break my heart worse than anything. But the thing is, I really don't give a shit anymore. It doesn't matter to me anymore how much it could hurt me. All that matters is that I keep you safe."

My smile faded. I felt like tears were coming, but after everything that had happened, I didn't think I had any tears left.

"Theo, I'm going to be gone soon," I say weakly. "You have to get away from me as soon as you can. It'll hurt less."

Theo reached out and took my hand, slowly intertwining his fingers with mine.

"You see, Noelle," he said quietly as his hand slipped into mine. "I don't really care. I know you're going to try again. I know you want to die. But really, that doesn't mine. I will be there, every single time you think about it. Every single time you attempt to leave me again, I am going to be right there, and I will do whatever I have to to keep you safe and here with me. I will save you a hundred times and thousands more. And maybe one time, you'll succeed, and you'll finally leave me. But until then, I will be right there, every single time you think there's no point in being here anymore. I will save you thousands of times, and I will not take a breath or let you out of my sight one time until you finally leave me. Whether you leave me in a few months, or in a few years, I don't care. I will be there, every time. And when you finally leave me... when there finally comes the day that I can't talk you out of it, when you finally take your life... I will follow you wherever you go. Because here's the thing: you gave me a reason to live. Without you, I won't have any reason to be here. So, when you finally slip away from me, I'll follow you wherever you go. Whether that's the altar on our wedding day, or it's the cold grip of death, I will follow you every step of the way."

I stared at him, this incredible boy that was offering me everything I had ever wanted in my life. It had only taken me nearly dying for this boy to appear in my life and give me everything I'd been desperately searching for.

The door to my hospital room suddenly swung open, and my parents came rushing in. Theo stepped back as they overwhelmed me with questions and hugs. And even in the warm embrace of my mother--a warmth I had never experienced, yet always longed for--I wasn't watching my parents.

My eyes were on the boy standing in the corner, fearlessly offering me everything he had left.

Everything I had ever wanted.