Going On

Noelle

“This is your life and it's ending one moment at a time.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Theo walked me out of the youth center. I would've thought that it was fairly romantic, had it not been for the fact that that creepy guy kept eyeing me, and I didn't want to leave alone.

"Thanks," I said awkwardly. "It's just, you know... I think that guy was undressing me with his eyes."

Theo laughed. For some strange reason, I thought the sound of his laugh was one of the most beautiful things in the world. "Can you blame him?"

I blushed like crazy. I was about to say something, when I saw the guy emerge from the building behind us, winking at me. I made a face and looked at the ground. "Do you, uh... My house is close by. I think it's thirty-minute walk, and my parents aren't picking me up today. You wouldn't want to... I mean, you don't have to..."

"Walk you home?" he asked, smiling.

I bit my lip. "You don't have to."

"I would love to."

"Oh," I said, shocked. "You, uh... Right. Yeah. Um... My house is this way."

Theo smiled and followed me as I exited the youth center parking lot, reaching the sidewalk. Luckily, the youth center was in the center of a neighborhood (next to an abandoned Jiffy Lube), so we were able to stay off of the main roads on the way to my house. I knew I should be focusing on the fact that a cute boy was walking me home, but really all I could think about was the fact that in elementary school, we were convinced that that Jiffy Lube was haunted.

We were fucking idiots.

"Hey, Noelle?"

I snapped out of my thoughts. "Yeah?"

"You know, you never told me about why you came to the club in the first place."

My throat tightened.

"You don't have to tell me anything," he added.

"I owe that much to you, I guess," I said weakly.

Theo nodded slowly, as if agreeing that I did owe him an explanation. I knew I did, but that didn't mean I was excited about it.

"It was going to be poetic," I admitted. "I had it all planned out, from start to finish. It was supposed to be fool-proof. Even I couldn't mess it up."

Theo looked curiously at me. "But you did?"

I stared at the ground. "It was supposed to be perfect. I was going to run a bath, fill it up to the brim. Then I was going to slit my wrists in two matching X's, like a tattoo of sorts. I was going to wait for the tub to fill with my own blood, then I was going to take all the pills I could get my hands on. Just to make sure it worked."

Theo furrowed his eyebrows. "But... It didn't work?"

I sighed deeply. It wasn't a failure I wanted to relive. "I, uh... I misjudged how deep I should cut my wrists. There was too much blood, and I was unconscious before I could get my hands on the pills. That probably would have done the trick, still, but..."

"But what?"

I wrapped my arms around myself, despite it not being the slightest bit cold outside. "I wasn't answering my phone, so my friend called 911. I guess she knew that I was going to do it. So... So, the ambulance arrived too quickly, and by the time they got me to the hospital, they were able to save me."

I reached for my left arm, pushing the many bracelets up my arm to reveal the gauze wrapped around my wrist. Theo stared at it for a moment, but I quickly pushed my bracelets down again, letting my arm drop to my side.

"It was supposed to be fool-proof," I whispered.

Theo didn't say anything.

Tears began to well in my eyes. "I didn't want them to save me."

I put my hands to my face, hiding my eyes from Theo. He didn't need to see me cry; I was enough of a mess as it was.

When he reached out and touched my arm, though, I quickly flinched and stepped away from him. "Thank you so much for walking with me, but I think I'll got the rest of the way by myself."

I didn't wait for him to respond. I just hurried ahead, desperate to leave him behind.

All the warning signs were in front of him. Theo just needed to learn how to read them.