Going On

Theo

“Finally there is nothing here for death to take away.” 
― Charles Bukowski, What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire

I stared at my phone.

Something didn’t feel right.

“Somewhere far away.”

No.

Something was wrong.

She wouldn’t say something so fucking vague if she was being serious. That wasn’t like Noelle. She cared about me too much; she would describe exactly where she was going, why, and when she’d be coming back.

The only reason she wouldn’t would be if she wasn’t coming back.

I grabbed my shoes, put them on, and started running out the door as I called Noelle.

“Pick up, pick up, pick uuuuup God damn it God damn it God DAMN IT.”

I got her answering machine.

I ran around the corner, thinking about how weird I would look if I grabbed the street light and spun around it like they do in the movies so I could keep my speed.

“Fuck it, this is for Noelle,” I muttered, grabbing it and spinning to the right and continuing down the street.

I thought about where I was going. I wasn’t going anywhere. I was just running in a general direction, where I thought that she might be. I thought about what I had told her the first day I met her, and what she said.

About the bridge.

About how easy it was, just jumping off.

I kept running in the direction of the bridge, and managed to dial 911 at the same time.

“Hello, this is 911. What is your-”

“My friend, her name’s Noelle, she’s going to the bridge and she’s going to jump off and I need you to... To help her.”

I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, exhausted. The bridge was still about a mile down the road, and I didn’t have any quicker mode of transportation. I blinked tears in my eyes as the operator assured me that everything was going to be fine, just fine, and to remain calm.

“What bridge? The Peterson?”

I nodded, and then realized she couldn’t see my head.

“Yeah... Yeah. The... The Peterson. That one.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah I’ve just been... Running. To try and get... Her.”

“We have officers on the way. Please don’t over-exert yourself, you could do damage to your body. Don’t worry, everything will be just fine. Would you like me to stay on the phone with you?”

“No, no, it’s... It’s fine. Thank you... Though. For everything.”

“It’s no problem. Please don’t worry. She’ll be fine. We’ve gotten this before, we had a boy who did the same thing some time a few months ago. His friend called and we managed to reach him just in time. It’s a wonder, too, because he almost died. You’ve done a lovely thing. May I ask your name?”

“Theo.”

“Huh. That’s odd. The boy who tried to jump a little while back, his name was Theo too. Isn’t that strange?”

“Yeah, yeah that’s... That’s really strange. I have to go. Thank you for everything. Bye-bye.”

“Goodbye, Theo.”

I thought about whether or not Noelle was thinking the same thing right now, standing on the edge of the bridge that I was on a few months before, watching the dark water swirl and churn beneath her, as though it was just a part of a big machine.

I wondered if those words were running through her head:

“Goodbye, Theo.”

I ran towards the bridge, blinking away tears and trying to push back the thoughts I had that told me she was already at the bottom of the lake, sinking deeper with every passing second.

Of course, she’d been that way for as long as I’d known her.

I just hadn’t noticed.