Going On

Noelle

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” 
― Albert Einstein

I didn't kiss Theo.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking: Why the hell not?

First, because I was a wimp, and that is what wimps do. They wimp out of things.  

Second, because I was a hypocrite. I could say all day that all I wanted was something on this earth to live for, but when that something was sitting right in front of my face, I suppose that was just too easy.

So, yes, I did run away, if that is what you're asking. In fact, I stood up so abruptly that my head hit Theo's, and I believe I gave him a bloody nose.

Because I, ladies and gentlemen, had the grace of a fucking ballerina.

And to make matters worse--because I couldn't do that enough on my own--the next day was the day of our club meeting. I didn't think there was any sort of homework for a club like that, but I think 'don't kill yourself' is kind of a given.

So, not only did I fail at living my life, and killing myself, but I failed at recovering too.

I was on a roll, if I did say so myself.

The car ride was bumpy; it always was when my father was driving, considering he was late everywhere and had to drive like a maniac. I had gotten into the habic of holding onto the arm rests for dear life, which drove my father out of his mind. It probably wasn't helping, either, that I'd spent half of the drive begging him to take me home, and not make me go into another suicide recovery meeting. I didn't want to walk in there a failure, and I sure as hell didn't want to face Theo.

Because I liked him. A lot. And when I feel very strongly about something--anything--I tended to run, because the feelings scared me.

I didn't want to run again. I didn't want to hurt him again.

I saw Stillwater's youth center approaching rapidly. "Christopher, please don't make me go in there," I begged.

"Quiet, Noelle."

"Please!" I whined.

"Noelle, that's enough."

"But... But, father!" The word 'father' left a strange taste in my mouth. If these weren't dyer circumstances, I wouldn't have dared to use such a word.

My father seemed taken aback. "I... No. I'm sorry, Noelle. You have to go." The car pulled into the parking lot, and he turned to me. "Get out."

"Please..."

"Out."

"I'll run away!" I threatened. "Maybe I won't go in there! Maybe I'll just run away and you'll never see me again!"

My father looked at me duly. "You won't get any macaroni and cheese if you run away."

I silently cursed my father and his logic.

"Get in there," he said firmly.

I sighed in submission and climbed out of the car, listening to the squealing of the wheels as my father took off. The youth center looked huge, and more ominous than it did last time. I shivered and tried to give myself a mental pep-talk.

You can do this, Noelle. You were born to do this. You eat youth centers for breakfast.

I slapped my palm to my face.

"You, uh, like the smell of you hand?"

My head snapped up to see Theo, standing in the entrance to the youth center, smirking.

"Yeah, um... I got new lotion..." I said awkwardly.

"Right," he said, laughing breathily.

"I'm sorry about your nose," I blurted without thinking. "And I'm sorry about running. But, it's just, feelings scare me, you know? I mean, not feelings. That would be weird. No. I just mean, like, strong feelings. I guess strong feelings scare me. Like friendship, or love, or how much I like mac and cheese... I mean, no! No, not love. I don't love you! I mean, I barely know you. You don't know me. I certainly don't love you. I just mean that feelings scare me, and I felt something for you... not love... definitely not love... And I was scared, so I just ran, and I hurt you nose. I'm sorry about your nose! But, I just..."

"Whoa, whoa. Noelle. It's okay," Theo said, smiling. I hadn't realized exactly how fast I was talking and just how much I was rambling until he stopped me. "Really. You didn't hurt my nose."

I didn't answer. I was too busy wallowing in self-loathing.

"Do you want to go inside?" he asked.

I swallowed slowly. "I kind of have to, don't I?"

Theo smiled. "Yeah, kind of."

I took a deep breath. "Let's go, then."

I let Theo lead me inside, keeping his nose at a safe distance.

Effortless grace, Noelle, I told myself. Effortless grace...