Going On

Noelle

"I'm not blessed, or merciful. I'm just me. I've got a job to do, and I do it. Listen: even as we're talking, I'm there for old and young, innocent and guilty, those who die together and those who die alone. I'm in cars and boats and planes; in hospitals and forests and abbatoirs. For some folks death is a release, and for others death is an abomination, a terrible thing. But in the end, I'm there for all of them."  

― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 3: Dream Country

I stared down at the cuts on my wrists. I knew that I wasn't supposed to take the gauze off of my stitched up wrists, but I couldn't help it. And I hardly thought it mattered now, considering in a few minutes, I'd be dead.

I ran my fingers over the stitches, attempting not to flinch at the still extremely painful wounds. I had cut deep, and they were nowhere close to healed by now. That didn't bother me, though, because I never wanted them to heal in the first place.

I wrapped my arms around myself against the sharp cold of the night, looking down at the swirling water below. I wondered what my body would look like, spinning around and around in the current of the river under the bridge.

I remembered in second grade, my parents got me a goldfish that I name Harold, and he died after only two days (stupid ass fish). My parents were convinced that I needed to learn to handle the heartache, so they made me flush Harold down the toilet myself, watching the entire thing.

I wondered if that was what I would look like when I tossed myself over the edge of the bridge.

My feet kicked back and forth as I dangled them over the edge of the bridge, swinging them around like a toddler in a chair that was just a tad too tall. I kept my arms wrapped around myself against the cold, as if my chicken arms could actually ward off the old.

Bullshit, but it was instinct.

The sound of footsteps on the bridge broke me from my thoughts, and my head snapped up to see a figure rushing toward me. I let my arms fall to my sides as I squinted to make out the identity of the person sprinting at me. By the time I realized that it was none other than Theo, it was already too late to turn and run.

My heart clenched as he came to a stop in front of me, panting.

"Noelle," he said breathlessly.

I didn't answer. What was I supposed to say to him at this exact moment?

I immediately noticed his eyes go straight to my wrists, where the stitches still clearly highlighted the X's in my skin. They were still raw, still red with inflammation and infection. His eyes shifted from the wounds to my eyes, as if begging for answers.

He sat down next to me, staring at the water below. His voice was almost inaudible.

"Why?" he whispered.

I wasn't quite sure what to say, so I remained silent.

"Why are you here?" he asked, raising his voice. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

I began to shake against the cold.

"Noelle, answer me! Please!" he begged.

I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to speak to him. The embarrassment was too much to take.

"Noelle!"

"You knew this from the beginning!" I snapped. "Didn't you?"

Theo was silent.

To surprise, a tear forced its way from my eye. "God dammit, Theo! You knew this from the very beginning! The day you met me, you knew that I still wanted to die! You knew it! Couldn't you see it? Couldn't you see how miserable I was?"

He didn't answer. He looked horrified at the idea that he perhaps hadn't seen it.

I pushed the flyaway hairs out of my face, tears streaming down my cheeks. "You knew it! How could you be surprised? How could you act like you didn't see this coming? You knew! You knew!"

I pulled myself to my feet, looking away from him. He quickly joined me, but when he attempted to touch me, I leaped back.

"Stop it! Stop acting like you care about me! You're going to make this so much harder than it has to be. Please, just leave."

"I can't do that, Noelle," he said quietly.

"Why not?" I yelled through the tears. "Why the hell not? Why don't you just look away, like everyone else? If you'd just looked away in the very beginning, none of this would've happened! I could've died in peace!"

"I can't let you die," Theo said tightly, holding back tears.

"That's not your choice to make!"

"Noelle..." Theo said, reaching out for me.

"No!" I yelled, the tears streaming down my face. I held out both of my arms, pushing Theo away with all my might.

For a moment, the universe seemed to hold its breath, and nothing dared to move. Then, all in an instant, I lurched back into reality.

I took a step back to regain my balance, my foot landing on the edge of the bridge.

A million thoughts flashed through my mind.

And my foot suddenly slipped off, and I found my body hurtling toward the river below.