Goosebumps coat my body as the plane hurtles down the runway for take off, I'm filled with adrenaline head to toe. Without warning we defy gravity leaving the ground behind us, instead heading up for the clouds.
Flying for me is like therapy, it's one of the very few things that makes me feel alive and free. Even though I'm sitting in what's practically a giant metal bird that ways several hundred tonnes I feel safer than ever.
The anxiety and negativity leaves my mind and is instead filled with wanderlust and joy, I feel able to breathe for the first time in ages the butterflies and countless creatures that inhabit my body are finally set free and its just plain old me. I like it, just me in my own mind. How it should be.
Flying for me is like diving head first straight into the ocean, the cold water washing away all thoughts and unwanted feelings. The state of being unhinged.
The smell of aeroplane food fills the cabin, my nose scrunching up at the unpleasant aroma. I've never been a fan, I'd always push it away and make one of my parents or even younger sibling eat it, that way I'd get a better snack at the destination we're heading for.
People all around flipping through the pages of a duty free magazine, wondering what to spend their hard earned cash on next. As a little girl I would have begged my parents for something from that book, like a stuffed dog or a key ring, now I just don't see the point.
The experience of flying is much better, always snapping pictures on my phone of the world down below. Everything seems so much smaller, like all the big things that bring me down don't actually matter anymore.
Because of the fact that they're so small, it makes me wonder why I even bother to worry or even get anxious over those tiny things, because that's what they are whether I'm up fifteen thousand feet or have my feet firmly planted on the ground they are small, they are manageable. Looking at everyday people getting on with their everyday lives it puts things into perspective.
It's not what I'm used to; reality.
I've been hiding away for the last three weeks, in two different countries. Only being back to the airport hotel in my home country of the UK for only eight hours before hopping onto my next flight. But finally, I'm going home. I'm not too sure if home will actually feel like home anymore though?
My body swarms with mixed emotions, mostly dread and anxiety. Because you'd think after three weeks of not being in your own house, in your own bed you'd be desperate to come back. I'm not. For so many reasons.
Reasons I'm not prepared to list right here, right now. They do however make me terrified.
Suck it up, my best out of my two consciouses yells at me. She's fiery, confident and fearless everything that the real me needs to be. She only surfaces on rare occasions though, ones where I need to be prepared to battle. Because I'm going to have to, I have no choice.
Battle and win or give up and fall miserably on the ground. Something that I'm not willing to do, I have a fire burning inside of me. I just need to find my strength.
Mentally I'm not at my best, unhinged and confused. In need of help, I've been crying out secretly for months hoping that someone would realise. Realise that I'm losing sight of what I want and need, losing who I am and what I need to be. It's life, suck it up.
I often think to myself that if I put my thoughts on paper for people to read or to even voice them they wouldn't make sense, they'd leave everyone confused and they'd think I'm delusional.
In my own mind they make sense, they help me understand what I'm feeling. I guess that's why I called this whole journal thing 'outlet', so that I can have some sort of emotional outlet.
Maybe someone will read it, feel the same way and I'll feel a little more in touch with this world. Wipe some of the anxiety and help me to feel a little more 'normal'.
So as I sit here halfway through my four and a half hour flight back home I wonder if I'll come out victorious? What happens next? I'm a strong believer in fate, so if it's supposed to happen it will. If not it won't.
Suck it up and fasten your seatbelt, things are about to take a different course.
YOU ARE READING
Outlet
बेतरतीबThis isn't a story. Each chapter will be an entry, each entry will be something completely different. Some of the entries could be extremely chatty and may sound like a blog. But I hope you enjoy reading my thoughts.
