Outlet

29/12/16 - 10:54pm

I'm tired. Tired of being afraid.

Fear is something that is just second nature when it comes to us humans, there is not a single person on this planet that is untouchable.

People who say they aren't afraid of anything are just liars, in fact they're afraid of admitting what they're actually afraid of. Meaning that they're actually more afraid than what you actually are yourself.

You see the thing is with fear is that it's instilled in every single one of us, but yet it's just another voice in our head. There are so many voices in our heads that make us so many different people, what's important is that you figure out which one you want to be.

Do you really want to be the afraid one? The one that doesn't want to take the risks? The one that lives their life in one place because they're too scared to move forward?
You don't.

Choose the person that is the stronger one, the one that creates the fire within you, the one that actually fights for you. The person that is actually in your corner and wants what is best for you.

The personality within you that favours fear is not in your corner, that is not the person that is going to push you forward and help you achieve your goals.

Fear is just simply another voice in your head, it's just another one of your personalities trying to win the fight to rule your mind. But why let it?

I know for a fact after a year of being afraid I have finally had enough, I'm finally finished with running away from myself. From cowering away from reality and what I should actually be doing.

As 2016 ends and we all wipe the slate clean for 2017 there are only a few pieces of advice that I would pass on:

Self care is paramount, make sure you eat all three meals a day (which is something I've been failing to do for other reasons). Make sure you get at least six hours sleep, most people say eight but I suggest six because six is what you can function on. Put on your favourite comfy jumper or just have a hot shower.

Do what makes you happy. It doesn't matter what the hell it is, whether it be walking your dog, hanging out with your friends, having an evening with your family or even writing. Just do it. To make others happy you have to know what makes you happy.

Go off grid for a while. Put down your phone, ipad, iPod or whatever device you use and just get off the internet. Pardon my language here but it can be full of such crap, in fact it is. There are trolls and not to mention the pressures of having to look 'right'. Just take a step back, tell your friends that your phone is being switched off and that they shouldn't worry when you don't reply to their message you're just simply having some me time.

Cry. Cry until you're all dried up and you're red in the face. Cry even if it means that you're curled up in a ball or you're being held by someone. Cry because you need to, cry because you're living in the moment. This is how you feel right in that second, express it don't suppress it.

Talk. Talk until your mouth is dry and you have nothing left to say, talk until your mind is as empty as possible. Talk because it's something you have to do to express everything, to get everything off you chest. Talk because you can.

2017 is the start of a tough year for me, but I'm ready for it. As I stated at the beginning I'm tired of being scared and running from what I need to do. The treatment that I'll be going for and the new diagnosis, it's all a part of getting better.

A few months back if I was told this was going to happen I would have run, but looking at it now I'm just tired. I'm bored of being afraid, so I'm facing it. What has to happen has to happen, it's for my own good, my own wellbeing.

People make New Years resolutions well mine is to get better, mine is to say that I've made it. To say that I've had diagnosis, I've undergone treatment and I've made it out the overside. This time next year I will be a lot happier in my own skin, at least a little bit. I would have made it.

I'm not saying that fear is something to be ashamed of, I'm not saying that it's not okay to be afraid. Because it is okay. It's completely normal to be.

But I've just had enough from the constant running and hiding, I'm ready to come out of the darkness and into the light. Show people the damage that has been done to me, I'll bare my scars for the world to see. Just being vulnerable and saying that it's okay to be that way. Show others who are in my position that they are not alone, that we can fight this. Because we can. We're strong and we're beautiful and we've got this.

So be afraid, hide for a little while. Retreat back into the darkness and figure it out, it took me a whole year to figure this out. But show yourself when you're ready, no one else can fix this but you. Remember you have people who love you who want to see you better, love them back as much as you can. Don't let them go.

In this world where we are all so busy and all so afraid of many different things we have to think of ourselves, put your mental health first.

Fear is merely just a voice in your head dictating the actions that you take and depriving you of wonderful opportunities. Don't miss out because of that voice, you are so much more. If you want it, go and get it! Fight for it.

One final thing that I may have mentioned in another entry; less is more. The key to fighting yourself is to simply not fight at all. That's what the voice wants, retaliation. Don't feed it deprive it instead of yourself.

You've got this, there is no need to be afraid.