Outlet

10/11/16 - 08:55pm

I find myself sitting on my bedroom floor packing my clothes into my small suitcase once more.

I have a thing for making disappearances at the moment, for leaving. Trying to leave some of reality behind me.

I'm listening to my new favourite song, 'Scars to your beautiful' by Alessia Cara. It speaks to me, it's definitely relatable at this moment in time and I really should take on board the message that it's trying to get across.

Nobody ever said that recovery would be easy, nobody ever said that you'd wake up the next morning feeling yourself again. Nobody said that the blood running cold in your veins would turn warm again in a heartbeat.

You see I still haven't processed the information, the further tests that lie ahead of me and the inevitable diagnosis that I knew I'm going to hear. I'm ready for it but at the same time I'm not, its conflicting.

The self help sheets, the countless websites I've been told to trawl through. Sign up for something called the mood gym, which was something that I did reluctantly but did anyway hoping that I'd find answers or even hoping it would be something that would speed up my recovery.

My online presence has been reduced to a couple of retweets on twitter, a few like and emoji comments on Instagram and of course the occasional update on wattpad. Wattpad has been one of those things that I can't give up on, because writing is my life. It's been my saviour since about the age of 13 or 14, it was there for me when no one else was.

I haven't had the slightest clue as to what to tell people here, and to be honest I don't want them all knowing. This is my problem, I don't want the sympathy. I don't want you the person reading this to know what is going on right now and treat me differently, to think I'm stupid or a broken human being.

Instead I want to reach out to those who may be feeling the same, who might just be in the same place as me right now.

People who might have relapsed, who might be facing new diagnosis. If I could help or empower at least one person through all this I might just be able to pull myself through this too, make me feel like a better person than what my mind tells me.

It's hard when your mind is telling you a thousand different things, all negative. The way you let it control you, the way you let it control something so vital. Something that you need to actually live and function.

Months of denial, breakdowns and nudges from friends made me finally realise what was happening to me. What I was doing to myself, how it was affecting my health.

I wasn't me, I'm currently not me. I feel like someone has a chisel and they're chipping away at me, breaking off tiny pieces as they go. One day I might just shatter into a thousand pieces on the floor, totally and utterly unfixable because too much damage has been done.

Now was the time to swallow my pride and ask for help. There is no shame in admitting that you need help and then reaching out for it, especially when it comes to your mental health.

So if you feel yourself fading just do me and yourself a favour, go and get that help. It doesn't even have to be professional speak to a family member of a friend if no one is aware of it, if it's too much go to a professional. Speak to them, they'll understand. Yes it's terrifying but you'll thank yourself for it later.

You can do it. I can do it.