Outlet

06/11/16 - 05:10pm

People keep searching for me, reaching out looking into my eyes. Asking me if I'm okay?

They get lies every time, my walls fly up like a dam stopping the water from flowing. My walls fly up to stop the emotions flowing, to stop the pain from flowing.

Thing is what they don't know is that I'm also searching for myself in all this, I don't know where I am or where I've gone. I'm lost.

When it comes to being alone the walls of the dam fall, the emotion washing over me faster than ever. Tears flowing over my cheeks, my skin heats and reddens. Something else to conceal.

It isn't healthy to hide, the walls of the dam need to break. Need to crumble so quickly that everything completely washes over, showing the true emotion that I'm hiding. The pain.

It's been like this months. Months of hiding and 'I'm fine', 'I'm okay'. That's what's on the surface, underneath is a total different story.

Of course it surfaces in the end, everything does. It rears its ugly head when I'm alone, constant comments being thrown at me. It's like a bombardment of harsh and cruel comments, each and every one designed to hit a nerve. And every time they do, that's because each comment has been made by me.

I know where to hit myself the hardest to create the most pain possible. I am my own weakness, that side of me but there are other sides. Much better ones.

I like to believe that each time we break we find a new piece of ourselves slowly completely the jigsaw that is yourself. To be able to be whole you have to go through pain, you have to break and heal a little. Each time making you stronger.

Each time we break it's a new experience, it's a different weapon being hurled at us whether it's designed by ourselves or someone or something else. It's a test to see if we shatter, and we develop a resistance to prevent that weapon harming us again.

Survival of the fittest, is what Darwin said I believe.

If you can't endure it you weren't meant to be here, you have to fight it. Don't let it break you, let it make you.

Something clicked, a wake up call. A nudge from a friend, a reminder.

You can accept the negativity that your demons are throwing at you or you can throw it back in its face and fight back with positivity. Tell yourself that you have faith, that you're capable. Because quite simply you are!

You have to scream, you have to cry and you have to accept. Accept what has been thrown at you and then throw it straight back, throw it back with the same force or twice as hard. You have to give it all you've got.

I may have relapsed, I might still be battling. I won't get better over night but things will get better. It won't be like this forever.

Tomorrow I take my first steps to recovery, finally getting the help that I need. Tomorrow I look to the future, help my body instead of beating myself up for it mentally. Get the help to get what I want in a healthy way.

I can do this. You can do this.
Hang in there, you've got this!