The smallest of things can be a trigger when you're vulnerable, when your mind has been an uncontrollable whirlwind for the past couple of months things can get complicated for you pretty quickly.
It doesn't help not being able to leave the house, being confined to the same four walls for the past three nearly four days can feel suffocating. I've been quite unwell, not able to get out of bed, drifting in and out of consciousness or even be able to stomach a slice of toast.
But still it's hard, you want to get out into the fresh air and just force yourself to breathe. You're drowning in your own thoughts and sometimes for me leaving this house alone is something I have to do for a while to sort out my crazy thoughts, although I'm pretty sure this applies to most people as well.
Breakdowns have been a reoccurence in the past couple of days, ones where I can't help but scream, where my entire body recoils. The ones that just make you exhausted afterwards and you just want to sleep for like five years, something which isn't possible.
A song that I feel goes really well with this 'entry' and one that I'm listening to on repeat right now is 'A little too much' by Shawn Mendes. He's all kinds of amazing, he makes me smile on the outside and the in. What I admire about him the most is that he allows himself to express his emotions, he's not afraid to put them in a song or type them into a tweet for millions to see. He accepts them and he's so couragous, helping those that love him dearly to see that even though he has those days too you can still do it. He's one of those people that just help.
Going back to what I was saying before, sometimes when you're alone and you're in your own little sick bubble you tend to think things, overthink things. You can't see many people because you're contagious and you don't want anyone to be affected, but at the same time you wonder if they think about you. You wonder if you are in their daily thoughts just like they're in yours. Whether the thoughts are just one sided or that it's mutual.
It's definitley easy to lose your focus at times like this, you take time off work and you don't see people as frequently. It's one of those times where it's just me, myself and I. I don't like that, I've learnt over the past year to talk and to try and free my emotions but sometimes the smallest of things can throw up my walls again.
My friends think that I'm strong, I honestly don't know why they have so much faith in me. And if you've read up to this point so far thank you by the way because I have no idea what this 'entry' really is, I just had to get my thoughts out somewhere so thanks! But secondly you're probably saying to yourself, "why doesn't she believe in herself?"
Thing is I never have, I never truly have. I've never understood how that works, like I understand if you want something to happen and you want it desperatley then you have to fight for it. You have to full on say to yourself that you've got this, you don't need anyone this is all on you. I've done that when it comes to things like jobs etc, but never everyday. I know that is where I'm failing myself, I lack in self belief. Self care also applies there too.
It's not like I don't try though, I try to put all my efforts into making sure that I leave just enough time for me. But somehow it just doesn't work out, it's odd. I'm eighteen years old and I still suck at self care and self belief, however I believe I'm not alone in this.
I've come a long way in the last couple of years, I'm proud of myself for that don't get me wrong. I went from the girl who was so shy and quiet, who knew barely anything about herself to this young woman who now knows a lot more, who is a bit more wiser and has thicker skin. Who isn't afraid to speak up for what she believes is wrong and right, I don't fear much anymore. Why should I be afraid? If I want something in life I should go for it, no regrets right?
I've learnt to realise that not the entire world is against me, I don't cower behind others now afraid to speak. Instead I bring myself forward to speak up, don't get me wrong the shadows will always be my first love but the light is also beautiful. I've learnt to smile more, to laugh so much that I cry, to show my sense of humour and share advice.
I was afraid for so long that now the new me sometimes likes to flirt with death, I like to feel the shear adrenaline flow through my veins. I get called crazy sometimes for doing it, but I don't really care. It's my life, I'll do what the hell I want to.
Some people are afraid of the dark, I thrive in it. I'll put on my darkest clothes and head out the front door, despite my parents urging me not to as I say I'm not afraid. I know I'm not untouchable, but I like it, I like knowing that I can step out into the darkness and actually face it. It gives me hope knowing that when I face dark times in my mind, I can easily look up at the sky and see that where there is darkness there is also light. The sky littered with millions of shining stars, it's beautiful. Darkness is bleak but it's also beautiful.
Sometimes you have to travel to the very depths of your mind, leave all the other stuff in front and just take a moment. Realise that you're still breathing, feel the air filling and then escaping your lungs, place a hand over your heart and say to yourself that it's still beating. You're meant to be here, this is your time. Stare at your own reflection, look into your eyes and notice the fire burning behind them, notice the person behind them. The one that you want and need to be, use it to your advantage. Use yourself, look into your eyes more often and fuel the fire. Let it burn and drive you, you've got this.
So maybe it's the times when we're most vulnerable that we're capable of noticing the most important things, what comes with a low comes a climb back to the top again. When things get complicated and your heart aches from words that shouldn't have gotten to you take a step back, leave all that behind for a while and notice the fire. Feed from it and ignite it, there is a fire in each of us.
If each of us ignited the fire within us more often this world would be so damn bright, the positivity would be off the charts. So if there is one thing you do today if you're struggling just take two minutes to look yourself in the eyes, stare deep and you'll see it. The eyes hold the most emotion in every human being, see the fire and feed it.
Ignite it and use it to push you forward, allow it to be your driving force.
Even though you may feel like you can't carry on find the fire, ignite it.
You've got this.
YOU ARE READING
Outlet
AcakThis isn't a story. Each chapter will be an entry, each entry will be something completely different. Some of the entries could be extremely chatty and may sound like a blog. But I hope you enjoy reading my thoughts.
