Eyes Bright, Uptight. (Twenty One Pilots)

Chapter 6: Secrets, guilt and regret.

A good part of being asleep is you just don't have to deal with all of the feelings, you're at peace with yourself and everyone else. There are no thoughts, no pain and no worries. It happens too, for a moment, as soon as you wake up, everything is silent and for a split second you feel nothing. But then it all comes in waves, like his scent, or the sudden realization of his bare skin brushing against mine, the thought of past events, the stinging pain making itself present, some bruises peeking through in places I didn't even know I had hit myself. And an overall feeling of guilt, crawling up my insides.

I swallowed loudly even if my mouth was rather dry, I needed a cigarette.

Standing up from the bed, I glanced at Josh, laying there peacefully, his chest rising up and down in a steady pace, I wished we could always be in that state even when we're awake, like everything is fine. For a second, I thought that maybe it isn't as bad as it seems, maybe he's still asleep soundly because what we did was not wrong.

I shivered, quickly putting some clothes on and looking through my bags for the remnants of my cigarette packet along with a white lighter, I chuckled slightly, looking at the object after lighting the cigarette.

"You should get rid of that," Josh said with a raspy voice, catching my attention, He brought his arms behind his head to look at me better, I sat down on the edge of the bed, letting the smoke come out of my lungs through my mouth, instantly feeling the anxiety fade away. I looked at him over my shoulder, with a confused expression. He pointed at the lighter on my hand, "You don't really believe these are bad luck, do you?" I said playing with the object, now knowing what he meant, "If I had to blame anyone for my bad luck I'm sure as hell I wouldn't be blaming a fucking lighter," I said with an arrogant tone, placing the cigarette once again in my mouth, Josh shrugged it off.

"How are your arms?"

I looked down, knowing that I would have to cover them for a long time until they healed, my mind began working on excuses to give people if they ever asked.

"It stings," I replied, all of a sudden feeling shy around him, it was probably the guilt. "Are you-are you going to stay?" I blurted out not really turning my head to him but I could feel his eyes on my back. I was growing impatient because I knew he was thinking about the right answer.

"Yeah," He breathed out "Until I'm sure you're okay." A long sigh came out of my mouth, why was he doing this? he has a girlfriend and I have Tyler.

Shit, Tyler.

I stumbled for my phone, noticing a ton of missed calls from Maddie and a couple of messages from Tyler.

What were we anyway? We kissed, yeah. Was it official? Certainly not. I haven't really thought about Tyler that way up until I had th urge to kiss him, since then I couldn't seem to think about anything else. Then why did I kiss Josh? why on earth did he kissed me back?

Josh must've noticed my distress because he came closer to me on the edge of the bed, placing his palm on my shoulder to comfort me. "Are you okay?" He asked and now it was me who didn't know what to answer, this situation was ridiculous. "I messed up my arms, my mom left me, I'm failing my classes and I fucked my ex when I was supposed to be somewhere else, I'm feeling rather shit Josh, I don't know what answer you were expecting but no, I'm not okay and I'd much rather be alone," I said all in one breath, struggling because a knot was threatening to appear in the middle of my throat.

"I don't want to leave you like this, really, I came here to apologize for making you cry not to have sex with you.." He explained playing with his thumbs and avoiding eye contact, I stared at his profile and the way his red messy hair was all over the place from sleeping. "But we did and I know it was not the original intention but I can't help but feel guilty, I know that I will feel that way from now on, everytime I see your face.."