Beside you 5sos (boyxboy) (Malum, Lashton)

Chapter 16- Rushing in life

***Trigger warning. Yeah idk these next few chapters are just longer. It was when I did the 5 chapters in a row so yeah these chapters are just longer.***

I look down at my phone in shock.

[From: Luke] Hey, this is Ashton texting from Luke's phone. He is in the hospital after he passed out. They need someone to come pick him up and sign the discharge papers. I will tell you the details WHEN you get here.

Well, that wasn't what I expected to pop up.

I sigh and look to my friends. "I have to go," I tell them.

"Okay, we will see you later." They tell me as they shrug. Wow. I was expecting some sort of protest, at least a sad face. It was like they didn't even care. They didn't even ask why I was leaving. Maybe they don't. I shake my head. No. They are my friends. Of course, they care. I duck and give my girlfriend a kiss on the cheek before picking up my bag and walking toward the bus stop. They don't even say goodbye.

I look in the cafe were Ashton normally hangs out. He wasn't there either. Ashton hadn't returned after their fight, and I am starting to get a little worried. Was it because of him? Of course, it was. Everything is always my fault. I suck a fuck up. Why couldn't I just do something right for once?

I sigh. No. I need to find Ashton. I tell myself as I look around. I jump when my phone rings. I look down at my phone and exhale a breath that I didn't even realize that I was holding when I see it's from Ashton.

[From: Ashy] I am at the hospital with Luke. He passed out. Don't worry about me I am fine. I should be home in a couple of hours.

Ashton knew me so well it scared him sometimes. I walk back to my dorm alone. I open the door to my empty room. I sit down on my bed and look at the empty one beside me. I feel so alone at the moment. It just feels like I'm always alone now and days. My best friend hates me. My half boyfriend (Idk what we are yet) Hasn't talked to me since this morning after I left his room.

I'm just a fuck up. I glance to the dresser that holds my blades. Ashton said he wouldn't be home for a few hours. He has plenty of time. I could do it, get it cleaned up, and put a smile on my face so Ashton wouldn't have to know. So I wouldn't have to see the disappointment on his face after he realized what I have done.

I go over to the dresser and open it. I pull out the box and open it to see the small, shiny, blades. I know that when I do it it is always for a stupid reason. I know I shouldn't. But, I do. Not because I want to do it. I just like the realize it gives me. The feeling of being free for a second. To replace my internal pain with an external one. To let go of my worries.

For me, it is peer bliss whenever I do it. With every cut, I could feel my worries slip away. With the slip of my blade against my skin I feel somewhat less lonely. I have my blade. Yes, my blade would never leave me. My blade would always be there for me when I needed it. The last time I cut was two days ago so it was not like he was letting go of any real progress anyway.

I look down at the mess I have made. I grab the paper towels and bandages that I also keep at the back of my dresser. I grab some rubbing alcohol and clean my wounds and then bandage them after. I roll my sleeve over my bandages so no one would see them. I clean off my blade and sterilize it before placing it neatly back into the small box from which it came.

I glance down at the bloody floor before ripping some towels from the role and bunching them up in my fist. I bend down and wipe up the blood. After I finish I rub it with alcohol so the floor wouldn't smell of blood. After that, I spray the room with cologne and spray myself so Ashton wouldn't smell the alcohol and just think he went a little overboard with it.

I have done this way too many times. I grab my trash can with all the bloody towels in it and head to the dumpster in the back of the building. I dump them in before going back inside and to the bathroom. I wash out the trash can in the sink and walk back to my dorm.

Maybe I was too through. I know it's wrong. But, it's my life. It has been my life ever since my mom died three years ago. She was my everything. I loved my mother more than everything in the world. But she died in a car crash. She was ripped from me. I will never forgive myself for making her go out that night. She went to the store to get me the brand new FIFA game after I begged her and begged her. My mom being the great mom that she was given in. She never came back.

I now hate myself and Fifa. I was the reason my mother was dead. I will never forgive myself. That is old new now. This is the present. So I force a smile on my face and wait for Ashton to get home.