1 | SURVIVE • BUCKY BARNES [COMPLETED]

XXVII.

The next day and the many more to come were utter hell for Gideon.

She awoke each night to relentless screams, nightmare after nightmare. She couldn't get his voice out of her head. It haunted her, yet she never wanted to forget it. Every moment they spent together flooded into her dreaming mind. At first it was a blessing, being able to at least see him, yet it always seemed to end with that damned night on the train. And eventually, she stopped sleeping altogether, only receiving a minimum of a few hours of mere unconsciousness each night just to wake up and face the nightmare all over again.

Nothing could console her, not even the booze she always kept within reach would help. Her enhanced metabolism would nearly vaporize every drop of alcohol she swallowed, leaving no room for respite from the strong liquid.

They say that when a loved one dies, the survivors face the seven stages of grief; shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance. They all come in succession, sometimes lasting longer than others. Yet that would never be the case for Gideon. For her, she skipped stages one, two, four and seven, whilst anger, guilt, and spiraling depression came in one huge roaring wave that would never kiss the shoreline to dissipate.

Each emotion came all at once, cursing Gideon with burning rage at herself for not getting there fast enough and tears that never stopped.

[If she had only gotten there fast enough.]

And since waking up was hard enough, Gideon rarely left her bedroom. Her bed didn't feel the same without him next to her, yet she stayed with the slightest of hopes that she would blink and feel his form lying on the mirroring side of the bed.

So when Steve had practically dragged her out of bed and she reluctantly went along, they then found themselves in a bar. Obliterated from the war and quiet, they were the only two to occupy the small dining area. With a bottle of whiskey shared between them, they drank silently despite the lack of effects on the two enhanced humans.

Steve spoke though a few minutes later, and for that she was grateful because she was at a loss for what to say.

"You know you loved him," it was a statement rather than a question, "and that he loved you."

"Yeah," she nodded, the thought allowing a small smile to break through over the corners of her lips, "and he loved you too, Steve."

"He was the best person I've ever met," he nodded, "and he wanted to give you this."

Steve then took the close-guarded envelope from his pocket, and held it out to her. Tears prickled in her pair of blue eyes as she held the thick paper in her hands. She read his handwriting in the form of her name across the front and felt the folded paper within. "Thanks," she whispered, her voice quivering slightly as the words got caught in her throat. "I don't think I can open it now though."

"Take your time," the man nodded before taking another sip, and she mirrored his motion, emptying her glass in the process.

The silence then returned, falling over them like a heavy cloud that wouldn't let up.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Steve," Gideon let out an exhausted sigh, setting down her re-filled cup back on the table; the alcohol had lost its appeal. "I want to be angry; I am angry, but I can't. A part of me doesn't want to go on with all of this vengeance anymore. It's exhausting. And the guilt-" She stopped because she couldn't continue to say anything more without breaking down. "I miss him."

And that's all she wanted; she just wanted to have him back.

The man across from her nodded his head in agreement, the look in his eyes matching hers because they both were stuck in the same position.

"You can't blame yourself, Gideon," Steve uttered.

"Neither can you. I know you do Steve more than anyone, but it wasn't your fault."

"That's what Peggy said," he returned softly.

"Then you should listen to her," her voice was lightening in tone.

Her words struck the beginnings of a small smile on his face, and he responded, "She also said that we should do what we think Buck would want us to."

"He would want us to go fight."

Nodding, Steve agreed, "I know it's hard Gideon; I feel like a hole was torn through my chest, but I think we should do this. I'm planning on leaving soon, and I was hoping you would come too."

She was quiet for a moment, teeth grinding over her bottom lip as she sat in thought.

Destroying HYDRA was everything she ever wanted to do since the decimation of her family, yet now she didn't have her heart and will to carry her along. She needed a catalyst to push her forward, and hoping to find it in the midst of the fighting and well-earned revenge, she agreed. "What else do we have left to lose?"

And so, her, Captain America, and the Howling Commandos set off to infiltrate the HYDRA Headquarters with every intention to to take Red Skull back with them, preferably dead as compared to alive.

But it wasn't until later within the last battle did Gideon realize she was wrong. They did have things at stake; each other. And in retrospect, that proved to be everything.

Above in the Valkyrie, when Johan Schmidt disappeared [presumably and hopefully to his death] upon contact with the Tesseract cube, Gideon thought it was all over. Yet when she heard Steve's ghostly goodbye through her radio before his plane would plunge into the Arctic, the war on HYDRA was renewed for an endless lifetime of bloodshed.

And in that moment, more heartbreak dawned her for she then realized she was truly and utterly alone.

[11/27/16]
I can't believe this is the second to last chapter until the epilogue....
I've already finished writing this book and even I'm not ready to face it omg  😭

But don't worry, Gideon and Buck's story won't be ending anytime soon 😉