Blame It (Of Mice & Men)

Remembrance

The next few days went by as they usually did when Alan got home from tour. The first day home was great, Julia got to see her daddy, I got to see my husband, and we got to be the family we'd always wanted to be. That's when everything goes downhill. Alan eats breakfast and then leaves, not coming back until late. It was 8 PM when I walked up stairs, getting ready to tell Julia to go to bed.

"So Alan, I hear you became a daddy this weekend!" I heard an interviewer say. "I did!" Alan said.

"Is it a girl or a boy?" the interviewer asked. "She's a healthy little girl. We named her Julia Harmony Ashby. She's perfect," I heard Alan say.

"What about you and April? Are you still engaged?" "Yep! I'm pretty stoked. I just can't wait until we're officially a family, ya know?"

I walked further down the hallway and saw Julia sitting at the computer, watching one of Alan's old interviews. I leaned on the doorframe and she looked up at me, wiping her eyes.

My heart broke when I realized she'd been crying. "Honey, what's wrong?" I asked, as she paused the video. "Does daddy love us?" she asked, softly. "Of course he does, Jellyfish. Why would you say that?" She sniffles a little bit. "He's never home. Even when he's not away, he's not home. He doesn't love us anymore, does he?"

My mouth opened and closed, trying to find the words to comfort her. "Julia, it's hard. Daddy's band is important to him, and we're important to him too. It may not seem like it sometimes, but he does. He loves us, I promise," I told her. She nodded before walking to her room and closing the door, letting me know she'd tuck herself in tonight.

Alan came in around midnight. I sat up and turned on my lamp as he quietly opened the bedroom door. Our eyes met and he gave me a small smile. "Sorry I'm later than usual," he said, pulling off his shirt and jeans. "Things were crazy. We were fina-" "Alan, I need to talk to you," I said, fiddling with my chipping nail polish.

He climbed into the bed, crossing his legs. "What's going on?" he asked, and I could hear the worry in his voice.

"So, I went to tuck in Julia and she was watching one of your interviews. And as I got closer, she was crying. When I asked what was wrong, she said you didn't love us anymore," I whispered, tears coming to my eyes.

"I didn't even know what to say to make her feel better," I choked out, bringing my hand to my mouth as the dam in my eyes broke. I shook with sobs and Alan pulled me to his chest, running his hand over my hair. "I'm a terrible mother. I can't even soothe my daughter when she's upset! I tried to tell her that you DO love us and that you can't help it that you have to be gone so much, but I can tell she didn't believe me," I said, sitting back up and wiping my tears away. "She's convinced that one day you're going to leave and not come back," I whispered, meeting his eyes.

He brought my left hand to his lips and kissed my rings. "You aren't a bad mother, April. You're a great mother. You've spent the past 5 years watching out daughter while I had to tour, you balance being a kick-ass mom and an amazing wife, you love our daughter more than anything, and that makes me love you even more. I'll talk to Julia in the morning, because I know I need to straighten things out. I love the both of you, and if it takes me staying home a little longer and coming home a little earlier to prove that to her, then so be it. I just hate that she thinks I don't love her," he said, his voice cracking a little.

I turned his face towards mine and kissed him softly. "I love you," I whispered. "And I love you," he replied, tilting my chin to meet my lips once more.