Blame It (Of Mice & Men)

I Hate To Feel This Way

"Alan, it's your turn," I groaned as one of the babies began screaming. He got up slowly and walked out of the room. The baby stopped crying and I guess Alan had picked up Nova. She was already a daddy's girl and she was only a few weeks old. A couple minutes passed and I felt the bed dip.

"It was Nova. She needed her diaper changed," he mumbled. I nodded and closed my eyes again. I was exhausted. I remembered being tired after Julia was born, but I'd only pushed out one baby. This was completely different. It was like my body just wanted to shut down. As if on que, another cry rang through the halls and I began to sit up. Alan softly pushed me back down and stood, walking out of the room again.

After Julia was born, he missed all of this. He missed the waking up and bottle feeding. He missed the first few dirty diapers and the first feedings. I suppose he felt like he needed to make it up to me, I'm not sure; maybe he just wanted to get to participate this time. Jules had stayed with Callie so we could get the babies situated without Julia having to wake up from the screaming, which I knew she'd thank me for when she got older.

I felt the bed dip once more and a tattooed arm snaked its way around my waist, pulling me into the warm body it belonged to. I smiled as Alan kissed my shoulder. "What time is it?" I asked, yawning a little. "About 4 A.M." he said. I felt his eyelashes close against my skin and I nodded before slowly drifting back to sleep.

***

I woke up and yawned, carefully climbing out of the bed so I didn't wake up Alan. I walked into the babies' room and turned on the light. I walked to Gabriel's bassinet first and saw him sucking his fingers and looking up at me. I smiled before walking over to Luke's bassinet and looking into it. He smiled at me and I giggled a little bit before walking to Nova's bassinet. She looked at me before her face twisted up as she began to cry.

I felt my heart shatter as her screams got louder and louder until Alan came in, lifting her up and bouncing on the balls of his feet. She automatically stopped crying as Alan cooed into her ear, shushing her quietly as he twisted his upper body.

I lifted Luke and Gabriel into my arms before carrying them downstairs to feed them. I wasn't mad at Alan, I was just jealous. I felt like Nova might love him more than me. I sat the boys in their high chairs and warmed up two bottles while Alan got Nova's ready.

I lifted Gabriel up first and placed the warm bottle into his mouth, twisting my upper body from side to side as he drank. I pulled the bottle away so he could get some air and he smacked his lips before I placed the bottle back into his mouth. He gulped down the rest of the bottle and I burped him before placing him on a blanket in the living room.

I picked up Luke and picked up his bottle, bringing it to his lips. He drank, opening his eyes and looking around the room. "You were hungry, weren't you baby?" I mumbled to Luke as he gulped down his bottle faster than Gabriel did.

When he was finished, I placed the bottle on the table and burped him, placing him next to Gabriel on the blanket. They kicked their feet and giggled as I sat on my knees and began playing peek-a-boo with them. Alan brought Nova into the living room and placed her next to her brothers before sitting on the couch.

Nova tried to roll around and find Alan before beginning to cry. Alan lifted her into his arms and began talking to her and she, as she had many times before, stopped crying. I couldn't stop the scowl on my face before it was there. "What?" he asked. "Nothing," I mumbled. "April-" he began. "I'm jealous, okay! I'm upset that Nova can't even look at me without crying. It hurts my feelings," I said, wiping at my eyes and feeling like a little kid.

"Babe, she's three weeks old. You can't be upset. Don't act so stupid," he snorted. I snapped my head towards him. "Fuck you, Alan," I growled, lifting Gabriel and Lucas and taking them to their room. I turned on the night light and lullaby player before laying them down gently. Their eyes began to get heavy and Alan came in, placing Nova in her bassinet. I walked back out, moving past Alan and into our bedroom. I sat on the bed and crossed my legs, tears coming to my eyes.

He could've at least had some sympathy for me. I just had to carry three babies in my stomach for nine months, I had to take care of our other daughter while he was gone, I had to push out those babies, get up early with them, and I was just so stressed out. I put my face in my hands and the dam broke, silent sobs racking my body.

"April?" I didn't look up, but took my hands from my eyes, wiping them on my jeans before wiping off the droplets that had settled on my face. "Babe," Alan said quietly, sitting beside me. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," he whispered, unsure wether to touch me or not. "Well you did," I said, sniffing.

He didn't say anything as I stopped my tears, trying to catch my breath. "I just feel like a bad mom," I said. "April, you are a good mom. Just because Nova warmed up to me doesn't mean you're any less of a good mother. Gabriel and Luke like for you to hold them more than they like me to. As Nova gets older, she'll understand that you're her mother and that you love her as much as I do. She knows you love her, I was just able to spend more time with her while you slept for a full 24 hours after the birth. They love you, Julia loves you, and I love you. Don't forget that."

By this point, he had pulled me into his lap and was brushing his fingers through my hair. I turned to look at him and he sighed, placing his right hand on my left cheek. "I'm sorry for being a jackass. I never meant to make you cry," he said. I placed my hand on top of his and he closed the gap between us, letting me remember all the reasons I loved him, and why I'd ever considered marrying him; and I was so fucking happy I had.