Fear Will Lose // twenty one pilots // Joshler

Chapter 4

"Mr Dun-Joseph, I'm so sorry for your loss, there was nothing more we could do for Tyler-" he heard the doctor say but then everything was drowned out by the overwhelming tick tick tick of the clock getting louder and louder. Everything was spinning. It was spinning and then he was falling and then he was sitting. The tick tick tick turned to the pound of his heartbeat, pulsing in his ears. His eyes were open but he saw nothing. A voice was shouting but he was underwater and the words were lost. He was underwater and he was drowning. He tried to breathe but his lungs filled with water, he was drowning and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. The shout again. Then a gasp. It must have come from his mouth but he couldn't breathe and he couldn't hear and he was so isolated from the gasp and he couldn't breathe. The waves washed over him and the tick tick tick surrounded him and he couldn't breathe. The shout again.

"Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh wake up." Josh's eyes burst open as he sat bolt upright on the bed, panting and sweating from the nightmare.

He wiped his face from sweat and tears and tried to catch his shaking breath.

"It happened again, didn't it?" He heard Tyler say from across the bed.
"What?" Josh asked confused between panting breaths, trying to tell himself it had only been a nightmare and it wasn't real.
"In your dream, I was successful again wasn't I?"
"Tyler, don't say successful." He said as he turned his back to Tyler and put his feet onto the floor, his elbows on his knees, and his head in his hands.
"Sorry," Tyler apologised, and the pair sat in silence as Josh struggled to take control of his racing heartbeat and breathing.

"Josh can you not touch the bed and the floor simultaneously for longer than you need to," Tyler said a minute later.
"I need to go out." Josh called back as he picked up the t-shirt he had worn the day before and ran out of the room before Tyler had a chance to respond.

Josh didn't have a clue where he was going or why he was mad but he was, and he was running.

He ignored the system they had in place and threw on the closest pair of trainers before slamming the door behind him.

The sun had barely risen on the cold winter morning, and an eery glow seeped through the fog as Josh headed towards the frosted fields behind their house. His heart rate had barely slowed from when he had woken, but now his arms and legs were pumping as he sprinted past bushes after bushes, brushing straight through any brambles or vines in his path. As he ran, he began to think about the nightmare.

Tyler was right, he'd had the nightmare at least a dozen other times, but it had been a long time since the last.

Why did Tyler have to call it a dream? And why did Tyler have to call killing himself a success? Couldn't Tyler at least attempt to mask his suicidal thoughts every now and then? Didn't he realise how hard Josh tried for him? Didn't he realise how many rules Josh had to remember? Had he forgotten how Josh had spent 3 hours the day before talking to him on a bathroom floor? Was it really too much to ask for? 2 minutes when he first woke up?

Josh shook his head, now angry at himself for what he was thinking.

He slowed to a stop and took a moment to catch his breath, before looking around at his surroundings. In his blind anger, he'd run a long way from home, and a long way from Tyler.

Suddenly he realised what a big mistake he'd made, and with concern for Tyler on the front of his mind, he began to run back.

"Tyler? Tyler I'm back." He said as he burst through the front door.

Feeling guilty about skipping the routine on his way out, he made sure to complete it perfectly on his way in.