Fear Will Lose // twenty one pilots // Joshler

Chapter 23

"Okay, how motivated do you feel to attend your sessions today? 1 being not motivated and 10 being very motivated?"
"4." Tyler answered again, and the assessing nurse circled the number 4 on the chart on her clipboard again.

"Almost done. With 1 meaning very strong and 10 meaning non existent, how strong are your urges to harm yourself?"
"4."

"Finally, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being very, how stable do you feel now Tyler?"
"4."

"Thank you for doing that, but every single answer you gave me was 4 darling. Do you think you'd find it easier if we just talked? You don't have to put a number to it, then that way I can work out how you're actually doing." The nurse offered as she set the clipboard down.

"I meant 4," Tyler repeated dryly.

He was laying on his side on the bed and not making eye contact with the nurse and instead stared at the wall ahead of him. Josh was sat in a chair next to him and held his hand on the mattress, gently stroking his thumb over Tyler's.

"Okay, we'll just leave it at that for now. Do you know what you're doing today?"
"Thought I might try and off myself," Tyler mumbled.

"Everybody else is having breakfast now Tyler, but I saw that you opted for a supplement instead and that's okay. After breakfast there's a goal setting group for the first half of the morning, then you're scheduled for mood-management second."
"Not going,"

"Then there's lunch, and you can choose supplement again if you need to. After lunch you've got fitness for 1 and a half hours, so you can choose whether you go with the group to the swimming pool in town or whether you want to do walking or yoga here at the unit with the other half of the group."
"No,"

"Before dinner you've got a therapeutic art, music and writing session. I think you'll like that one Ty, I saw that you are a music teacher so I reckon it will be a bit of fun and hopefully helpful." The nurse told him.
"It's stupid, I'm not going." Tyler whispered monotonously.

"I don't think it's stupid, I think it's great. We've got a qualified specialist who comes in, she's called Rani, and she'll do things like singing, songwriting, art and poetry with you. Ryan's already told me that you love to journal, so I think it will be your cup of tea." The nurse said hopefully.
"No."
"Finally you're going to an open discussion group after dinner for an hour, then you've got the rest of the evening for self care."

"No. Please just give me my meds and go." Tyler said bluntly.
"I gave them to you before we filled in your sheet Ty, but I'll get going to my next patient now anyway. I'll see you in a bit to come and get you for goal setting group." The woman said as she picked up her clipboard and walked towards the door.
"Don't bother."
"See you in about 15 minutes," she called as she propped the door open and walked out.

"Tyler-" Josh began sympathetically.
"Don't start." He replied dryly.
"Sweetheart,"
"I said don't. I'm not going to any of those pointless sessions, so don't waste your breath trying to convince me. I don't want to be here, this entire unit is bullshit."
"They're not pointless Ty."
"It's all pointless."
"That's not true, it's going to help in the long run I promise. One day you'll look back and be grateful for them I guarantee."

"I want to go home Josh." Tyler said emotionally, suddenly on the brink of tears.
"I know you do babe, nobody likes being in hospital, but if you want to go home then you need to show them that you're getting better and one way you can do that is by going to these sessions."

"They can't keep me here. I'll just discharge myself." Tyler replied, losing the brief fragility he revealed and instead replacing it with passive rebellion again.