Fear Will Lose // twenty one pilots // Joshler

Chapter 5

"Will your boss be mad at you for leaving early?" Tyler asked as they walked hand in hand along the platform towards the train that was halting to a stop.

"Nah, he's at lunch with a client which means they'll be drinking till the early hours of the morning. I doubt he'll notice I'm gone if I'm honest." Josh replied before repositioning his briefcase strap on his shoulder and stepping onto the train.

They sat opposite each other in a four seater with a table in between them.

Josh had got a train home from work at lunch time and met Tyler on the platform to go on another train to his monthly review meeting at the psych outpatient hospital with his mental health team.

"Okay good, I don't want you getting yelled at because of me."
"Tyler he can yell all he wants, I'm not missing any of your reviews."
"Thank you," Tyler said through a smile, Josh leaned in and they kissed for a brief second.

"So is there anything you want me to mention to the team?" Josh asked, relaxing back into his seat.
"Uh, is it alright to ask for you to focus on the start of the month rather than the last couple of days? I mean I'm absolutely fine now and I don't know what came over me but I don't want the hospital to get the wrong idea."
"Ty I'm going to tell the truth, there's no point in hiding anything. But don't worry, I'll make sure they know the good as well as the not so good. And like you said, you're feeling alright at the moment so they'll see that and take it into consideration."
"Thank you, uhm,"

"Is there something else?"
"Yeah I guess," Tyler said, breaking eye contact with Josh to look out of the window.
"You can tell me Ty,"
"Okay, well don't be mad." He began, Josh didn't feel the need to reassure him because Tyler was aware that he could say anything.

"Um, so you know I saw Dr Casey on Friday?"
"Yeah,"
"Well she swapped my different SSRIs and that changed the dosages, and the way it worked out is I still have four pills in the morning, but now I've got two at lunch and three in the evening. Also my PRN dosage is two pills now. Uh, PRN is the emergency one I take when I'm having really bad thoughts or a hard episode and need some extra help shutting them up and calming down."
"Yeah I know what it is sweetie. So isn't it working as well?"
"You could say that." Tyler said, a nervous laugh snuck out of his mouth. "Uh, I haven't been taking them."
"Tyler,"
"It's not as bad as it sounds, I've still been taking the old ones but yeah," he admitted, scratching the back of his head whilst waiting for Josh's response.
"Right, it's because they're not four?"
"Yeh, I did try Josh, I tried really hard, I promise, but I couldn't."
"Ty I understand, come here." Josh comforted, patting the empty seat next to him.

Tyler quickly stood up and swung himself around the table so he was sat next to Josh. Josh wrapped his arm around Tyler's shoulder and pulled him close against his chest and kissed him on the top of his head.

"We can get it sorted I promise, Dr Casey probably didn't realise what she was doing, but it's good that you told me because now we can talk to the team and find a solution yeah? And once we figure it out then you'll hopefully be able to feel the effects kicking in and things will be a tad easier." He paused for a moment but Tyler said nothing, "I know you said you're absolutely fine, but it's been a crappy week and it's okay to admit it if it's getting to you. I can tell that you're coping well with any compulsive thoughts because I'm getting lots of lovely physical contact," he paused to kiss him on the head again, "but you can still feel tired or frustrated just like everybody else."
"I think maybe my version of fine and everybody else's version of fine are a little different." Tyler mumbled against Josh's chest.
"I think you've hit the nail on the head there Ty."

"But you make it better Josh,"
"What do you mean honey? What do I make better?"
"Everything. When I'm away from you all the thoughts in my head are so loud and they shout and scream and argue and I get scared and confused about who to listen to and what's wrong and right and real or not, but when you speak to me it's as though they all stop to listen to you. The drugs numb me, and the therapies challenge me, but you? You calm me, and you make me happy."
"How poetically put, and that's lucky because you happen to make me very very happy as well." Josh replied smiling.