Chemo Therapy during 3rd Period

Thanksgiving Day

I was alone. For the first time in 17 years I was alone on Thanksgiving. My parents were MIA. Kathy got stuck in southern Washington due to weather. I sat in the living room cuddled up by the fireplace, watching hallmark movies. I couldn't believe how nice it was to breath again. I had spent the last few days in tears and not eating. But today I woke up with a sense of peace, that everything & everyone would be okay. I heard a knock at the door, a note was slid under the door.
To Spencer:
This was weird but I opened it.
I know you probably have a lot of questions as to what is currently going on. I feel as though I need to answer them for you. So here it goes. That day you passed out in APUSH, was a day I will never forget. While you were asleep, she came to visit you. And while I sat there in the hallway waiting for them to let me see you. Her and I talked. She was so sweet and comforting. After that she would text me to see how you were doing. It evolved into me kinda having feelings for her. Then you kept wanting to spend all that time with Tanner. Which don't get me wrong she is a sweet girl but there were days I just wanted to be with you.
Well before I went to that basketball camp over the summer, Matt found out I had feelings for her and confronted me. He told me to either tell you or he would. That day when you heard the team talking to me, was Matt's attempt to tell you the truth except it failed when you yelled for me. I couldn't tell you the truth. I couldn't look into your eyes and tell you, I had feelings for both of you girls. That day when you were in the room when I was talking to coach and you were listening to music. He told me to decide. He reminded me not to lose everything because of a girl. This is so hard to write. The last piece to the puzzle though was when you went on that trip with Alyssa. I called you nonstop. No answer. Kathy wouldn't tell me where you were. I was furious. I was done with always being kept in the "hallway". So I went to Sparky's to grab a burger and bumped into her there. We talked and she told me she had a crush on me. I told her I had some feelings for you and her. Then on Friday i asked her to wear my jersey since you were still MIA. Spencer, this last 5 1/2 months have been amazing. I still want to be friends. But I know that I don't really like you as more than a friend anymore. I'm sorry. I hope this isn't the end.
I love you Spencer!
-Carson

What the heck. My mouth was open the entire time. I can't believe he feels that way. Like
What?!?!
Ahhhhh?!?
How?
Why is this just now coming up. All those days spent with him. All those moments. All the memories. All the times he held me while I felt like crap. And his heart wasn't completely in love with me. Maybe I was too emotionally involve. This doesn't make any sense. The room is spinning I feel nauseous I feel hurt. I feel like dying. My liver is no longer the only broken organ I have. I sat in the entry way to my house in tears. This was my first heartbreak. I knew it was coming but it wasn't what I was expected. I could feel my heart racing. My stomach was in knots. I was sweating.
I was having an anxiety attack.

November 27
Tomorrow is the first day I will have to see Carson after I received his letter. My heart hurt. I was eating minimal amounts of food. Kathy was home and knew nothing about the letter. I couldn't focus on anything. I can't even focus on writing this. I still have the picture of him and I looking at each other. The night we went night swimming at Taylor's. He was looking at me. I was looking at the camera. I thought this was true love. I thought I found my best friend for life. Which by the way he still wants to be friends. Like dude you literally don't love me anymore and you broke my heart but yeah I'd love to be besties and hang out with you and her. I can't even write her name. Because she has betrayed me and my trust. I know Carson is an awesome guy and he is so sweet and compassionate and fell from the gorgeous tree but we were together and she still confessed her love for him.
Which by the way I hope she doesn't think I'm totally cool with her because honestly I hate the bitch just a little bit. I look around my room and I just have these flashbacks of all the times we hung out and all the times we watched movies here. There are so many pictures in my room of us.
I can't believe I lost him, my parents and basketball. Honestly what else could I lose. I look at this picture of me just 3 months ago. So happy. So much joy. Where was those feelings now. Why was this happening to me why couldn't it happen to her.
I miss my old life so much. I want the life I had a year ago back. I can't do this anymore. I'm so done.
I'm mentally done
Emotionally done
Physically done
I can't kept fighting anymore.
Why didn't I just die 6 months ago. Things would be so much different. I would have experience any of these emotions. I wouldn't be thinking about getting my test results back tomorrow.
Who is Spencer?
Why is Spencer still here?