Complicated love ( closed )

40

         Walking up to the psychiatrists office, I felt knots in my stomach. I promised lex that I would come talk to somebody, but I couldn't do it. I felt like talking to a shrink was crazy, and I'm not crazy so I quickly changed my mind, and got back into my car.

        Riding around town, I rolled my windows all the way down and had my music on blast. Taking rides really calmed me down, especially on days like this when my anxiety was really bothering me. Playing my favorite song "loving you - 6LACK" I started to sing along to the lyrics at the top of my lungs.

          "I'm running low so don't play with my time
            I'm searching but it's nothing left to find
            Send out a call but no one's on the line
         So if you want it please make up your mind
                     Please make up your mind
   I don't wanna lose myself loving you, loving you
    I don't wanna lose myself loving you, loving you"

      I didn't even know where I was going, but I kept driving and as I kept the song on repeat. Thoughts of Erica kept replaying in my head over and over again.

No matter how hard I tried to shut her out, and keep her off my mind I couldn't help it. I kept reminiscing on all of the good times we had. I know it had been a little over a year since we broke up, but I still wanted her.

My friends told me that I should move on, but I couldn't imagine myself being with anybody else. If I couldn't be with her, I didn't want anybody else. I just wish that she felt the same way too.

Stopping at Chick Fil - A to get something to eat, I texted Alexis to see if she wanted anything. After getting our food, I made my way home. Even though I felt like Shit, my kids always brightened up my mood.

Erica:

I laid on my bed, in the complete dark. Depression and anxiety was kicking my ass today, and I really didn't want to be bothered. Thoughts of Cynthia filled my mind, and the tears wouldn't stop falling.

I was fine until I scrolled though my Instagram and saw a picture of Alexis with the twins. I fought the urge to call Cynthia... it's been a year since everything happened, and I know that she's over me.

She must be over me, because she hasn't even made any attempts to call me, check up on me, send me pictures of the babies, nothing. Even though I knew that my logic behind the situation was fucked up, I was being too stubborn to make any attempts.

••••••••••

           It was dark outside, before I finally got up and got out of bed. I made my way to the bathroom and decided to take a relaxing bath.

                I had my charcoal face mask on, candles lit up all around the tub, bubbles, epsom salt, a pink bath bomb, and my phone playing random songs.

Slipping in the hot water and turning the jets on, I laid back, and relaxed myself.
~~

     Finally finishing up with my bad, I got out, dried off and put a tshirt on. I checked my phone and realized that I had missed calls from Jas, rolling my eyes I decided to call her back and see what was up.

"Hey Jas, you called? Sorry I was in the shower."

"Yeah I did, I just wanted to come by and see you. I miss you."

"Oh well, come over. I was just going to cook something and probably watch a few movies anyway."

"Okay, I'll be there in 20 minutes."

"Okay."

I cleaned up a little bit and made myself comfortable on the couch. Flipping through channels, there was nothing on. I decided to binge watch Luke Cage, a show on Netflix because I wanted to know what all the hype was about.

A few minutes into the first episode, I heard a knock at my door.

"Come in!!!! " I yelled, and In walked Jas.

"Hey Erica, I missed you. "

"What's up? I said dryly, as I continued to watch my show. "

Making herself at home, jas sat on the other end of my couch.

"So how are you Erica? "

"I'm good, you?"

"I'm doing good, but how are you really? People are worried about you... I'm worried about you. You haven't been yourself lately. "

"Like I said, I'm good Jas." I started to get annoyed by her presence, and suddenly regretted the fact that I let her come over.

We got through two episodes, and the whole time there was an awkward silence. I occasionally let out a few giggles here and there, but I could tell that jas was feeling some type of way.

"Why are you so worried about Cyn? I'm mean you're kind of one of the reasons we're not together anymore."

She blank faced and then rolled her eyes at me. "Because I care about you E. And I still have feelings for you."

My heart dropped as I looked at her. I definitely didn't want another relationship, and Even if I did, it wouldn't be with jas.

"I think you should go."

___________________

Excuse any errors. - l