To Sam:
*first off I know that tone of voice is super important when it comes to things like this, so let me just tell you right now that this is a calm, understanding tone of voice.*
You haven't been in my life a long time, but I sure do appreciate the time we've had. You're a special dude, my friend. However, there are some things that I would like to explain to you though.
Recently, I just opened up to you about what I feel. I feel like I was unclear in the letter that I wrote you. I mentioned that my mind & heart does this thing where when I start to become close to someone, I begin to develop feelings for them. But what I actually meant to say was: my mind fights my heart about what I feel. My mind tells me that I like them, but my heart tells me that I do not. I don't know if you've noticed yet, but my mind tends to take over for the majority of the time. I don't have feelings like that for you because I value the friendship that we have. Relationships scare me anyway, so there's that. The letter I wrote you was kind of just not at all what I wanted it to sound like. I didn't want you to get the vibes that I did like you that way because I mean it's just not the case. You're my friend. My meme pal. If anything, you're close to being a best friend of mine. And what I said about you being the answer to my prayers; I meant it. I guess it could have sounded like I was wanting a guy to come into my life?? In reality, I just wanted a friend. Like I said, I was in a dark place with myself and family, so I was praying to God that someone would come along. Lone and behold you came around, and he gave me a new friend. That's what I meant to say, but I guess it could have been portrayed differently? But I won't be able to tell you any of this because it's probably really annoying to you.
Kacie and I were talking tonight because I was asking her questions about depression. Well I was explaining to her that I'm angry. I've seriously been so angry with myself. Sending that letter was a bad idea because I totally regret it. I should have kept what I was feeling to myself and just kept on writing about it in my journal. Instead, I sent it to you hoping it would help. I lied to you when I said I felt better about sending it to you. I don't actually feel better. I truly believe that I had messed up our friendship, and when I truly believe something there's nothing that can really help it. You said "However, I still want to be friends with you((-:", and I believe that, but at the same time I doubt it because will there still be a friendship there? Will we still be able share memes to each other? Or make jokes about capri sun juice boxes? These questions are what I think about. It may seem lame or a little absurd, but it's the mind of Meli. I am the definition of overthinking. I try to stop it, but I just can't. Anyway, I sent you a screenshot about the anger conversation, and now I'm anxiously waiting for you to answer. I'm honest to God terrified about what you'd think or say about it. THE SUSPENSE MAN. Also, I know you said that I shouldn't feel sorry or embarrassed about anything, but I would like to explain to you that it's hard for me to explain something and not say sorry. It's habit because growing up I said it a lot for many reasons--reasonable and stupid. The embarrassment is because I'm an easily embarrassed person. And things like that I just feel the need to make it known that I'm embarrassed about it so you know that I'm being sincere.
Honestly, I do hope that we still have a friendship. You're probably thinking that I'm taking this way out of proportion and you are most likely right, but when I have things like this brewing in my head and in my heart, I have to let it out somehow. Fortunately, you won't be reading this because you have no idea that this even exists. Which is good and bad. But anyway, you're a great person, Sam. I wish you the best in everything that you do. Also, #freetheteeth in 12 days ayyeeeee!
From Meli.
