to: whoever
i'm struggling.
i feel like if i start crying, i won't be able to stop because i've held it in for so long. i can physically feel the pain everywhere.
---------------------------------------
i keep messing shit up. like everything i do, i just fuck it up.
i can't keep my grades to all A's which makes me a literal disappointment to my mom. my dad won't fucking talk to me & he's not treating me like i'm his daughter, so i feel like i only have one parent. i haven't gotten an acceptance letter from a university back yet. i fucked up the situation with the quartet. not to mention that i've disappointed Ms. Baynes bc i didn't want to go to the upcoming honors band & my mom lectured me about not using my talent. i've been told that these are just small things in life, but they are not small when you're dealing them every single fucking day. the amount of yelling my mom does at me about everything, it brings me down & gives me no energy to do anything bc why should i do them if i'm just going to disappoint her in the end anyway? might as well disappoint her from the start. ya know, i'm lucky that my dad is still present in my life, but it's come to a point where i feel like he's not actually there. not getting an acceptance letter from a university (yet) makes me feel like i'm not intelligent enough. everyone around me is getting into all of these colleges & telling me about it. don't get me wrong, i'm super proud of every single one of them, but i wish that could be me.
i've been holding everything in bc everyone else around me is going through a lot so i'm trying to take care of them instead. i've been told that i can go to some of my friends, but like i genuinely feel like i can't bc these are such small things that i feel like it'll just waste their time & it's not important to them anyway. i don't want to be that one person to talk about my small issues when they most likely have more important problems they are struggling with. so i stuff it all inside.
this probably doesn't even make any sense & this probably seems like nonsense bc it probably is to you, but i'm actually struggling. it's hard to put this into words so like whatever ig.
idk. i give up.
from: meli
