Let's set fire to the rain

What ive lost

Three weeks had passed sense I sprained my ankle. It was all but healed. I had returned to work after two weeks with a lot of scolding from my boss. He'd gone on about how if he didn't like me so much I'd be fired. I'd simply hugged him and said it was a good thing he liked me so much then because I couldn't afford to get fired. That had flustered him enough he walked back to his office mumbling about careless girls these days. Hanini had visited me nearly every day for the two weeks I couldn't move around much. Saying he had to make sure I behaved while aunt sue wasn't there to baby me. I told him that was just an excuse to baby me himself. he'd laughed but hadn't denied it. He visited me after work at the beginning of the week but I hadn't seen him the past two days. He wasn't answering the phone either. It made me sick to my stomach. He'd been doing so good lately. He'd seemed like himself and had been so constant. I'd forgotten about the hidden monster that controlled his life. I'd been naive enough to believe he wasn't so far gone that he couldn't decide to simply quite and be done with it. I thought about going to his house and seeing if he was alright but it was already late. It would have to wait until tomorrow. So instead I decided to torture myself and read another entry from Haninis journal. I got myself comfy on the bed and opened it to where I left off.

July 4th 2014

Today was the first day I left my room. In all honesty I didn't Have a choice. Phoenix barged into my room declaring that we were going to go watch fireworks like we do every year. I'd told her I wasn't in the mood and had tried to turn back over but she wasn't having any of it. She ripped the covers off the bed and threatened to push me on the floor. I'd made the mistake of not believing her. Pain jolted through my body as I hit the floor. I looked up to see a grinning Phoenix looking down at me from my bed. I'd asked her what the heck she thought she was doing. "Trying to help you, now go take a shower!" had been her response. I went and took one hoping that would appease her and she'd forget about seeing fireworks. However she refused to budge even after telling her that jeje and the others would be there. She'd hardly notice my absence. She said we weren't watching fireworks with the others this year. She refused to Answer my Questions as she dragged me out of the house. 15 minutes later we arrived at the local playground. She dragged me up the steep hill behind it that gave a good view of the town. It was already (8:35) so we didn't have long to wait. She let us sit in silence enjoying the show. Well I wasn't able to enjoy it but I appreciated that she didn't try to make me talk. I'd expected her to. After they were done I turned to her and asked her the question that had been on my mind all night. "Why are you doing this?" Phoenix being Phoenix blurted out the last thing I expected to hear. "Because your the calming rain to my fiery temper. Your the soothing waters to my battered heart. Your the raging downpour to my dirty ugly world. Washing away all the brokenness and despair". I simply stared at her shocked. She hadn't come out and said she loved me but I knew her long enough to know that's what she meant. How could this amazing girl I'd known most of my life fall in love with stubborn difficult and lately broken me? I must have stayed silent for a little to long because she gave me an awkward smile and went to turn away. I couldn't let her go thinking I didn't care about her. I reached out grabbing her around the waist, murmuring into her neck that she lit my soul on fire. Inspired me to see the world in deeper and brighter color. My life often looked dull and gray. But She somehow seemed to instinctively know when the darkness creeped up on me and would crash in weather i wanted her to or not and make my life vibrant and colorful , pulsing with life. She was my light when everything els seemed dark and unwelcoming. Tears of joy and relief began to stain her cheeks. My Phoenix never cried. How could this girl care so much for me to cry over me? I placed butterfly kisses all over her face. Before touching my lips briefly to hers. I then took her hand and began running down the hill towards the playground. We spent the rest of the night acting like children. For a brief moment I forgot about my grief. Now I feel guilty. How could I forget about you so fast father? Please forgive me. Please help me. I know deep down you want me to be happy but right now I'm struggling.

I closed the book feeling like my lungs were on fire. God how can I lose him? Who was I kidding I'd already lost him. The past few weeks had been a mirage. A cruel taste of what I'd had only for it to be ripped away from me once more.