I Lost My Angel
It's not one of those things that you "get over." Time doesn't—in my case, at least—make it easier.
Every day since the accident, losing someone I love again is the most constant thought in my mind. I was 23 years old when my girlfriend Angel died tragically in a car accident. The only three words that can come close to describing this experience for me are: my world collapsed.
I lost myself, I lost my mind, and I lost my faith. I lost my angel. I begged God to wake me up from the nightmare every minute of every day.
I wonder if she knows that I miss her? Is it strange to still see her face in heated visions? To wonder how she is feeling, hoping she is doing well, wishing she's still here, I hope she knows I always love. That I will love her still. Sometimes it is an onerous decision when you realize that you were not the choice that should be made.
Too long for someone with that intense craving that makes you shudder at the thought that you might not be able to quell your desire as quite insufferable.
Then you begin to reason with the torment in your heart, rationalizing that this outcome is the best for everyone. But you still feel that nagging pang in your soul. At times the thoughts pervade your mind, other occurrences are brief recollections that pepper your conscious day. She's gone. I lost her.
Most people will not understand the fear. I would say out of a solid 100% of people, about 2% understood/understand my feelings. For someone battling an anxiety disorder to begin with it's unfortunate but my mind lives in the "what if", which I am working on. I lay in bed at night, imagining my fiancé next to me, alive and there is nowhere in the world I would rather be. And then it happens, a wave of fear and panic come over me. I cuddle tightly against her body and listen to make sure I hear a heartbeat. But that's just what I'm thinking because in reality she's not here beside me. She's in heaven now. And I'm hugging myself... crying... dying inside.
Little things draw me back. Doing something we once did together brings that solemn smile to my face. I think of her warmth, of her flesh, the caring embraces and passionate kisses. The way we talked, the nuanced caresses, the countless messages about nothing in particular but to just let her know she was inside my thoughts.
The morning comes, I imagine her again, smiling at me... I start my day, kiss her goodbye and begin to get ready for work with the morning news on. I hear the word "accident" and again the panicked thoughts take over me.
"Did she put his seatbelt on this morning?"
"Did she make it to work safe?"
When that thought subsides, my heart begins to race again and now it's a cluster of thoughts—
"Did she take his inhaler to work?"
"What if this is the last time I see her?!"
Nothing short of a constant battle.
I am so fortunate to have someone in my life that understand this. As crazy as it may sound, I need to re-assured time and time again that "nothing is going to happen to you right?" When I hear the response my mind and heart pray to hear, I can remain calm, however once I let my mind start to wander sometimes it takes a while to come back to my senses.
I have faith that I will one day be able to live a normal life again and not have the constant fear of someone I love dying. However, worst case scenario, if I have to fight the thought every day, I am confident I can overcome anything not only with the help of someone loving me from heaven, but also the love I receive from my future wife.
Someday I may well wrestle these contemplations from my soul. Someday maybe there will only remain the slightest vestige of these endearments that plague me now. But someday is not today. Today I miss her... my angel.
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