You made me discover what love was. Everything about it, and so did I for you. I still remember when you picked me up after school, and we'd just stay at a cafe and listen to our favorite artist and record ourselves on your computer. God how many videos did we make ? Or when we went out with our friends and I was starving at 2AM, we'd go to our favorite 24h shop and buy donuts... the shop was demolished a few days ago by the way, and it kinda broke my heart remembering you.
I know I have no rights to be feeling all this sadness when I was the one who made you hate me but we were in a vicious cycle. You left for uni 6000 miles away, while I still had two years to go and you kept calling and texting me like nothing had changed. We knew what we were getting ourselves into 9 months prior to your leaving, but as much as I thought I was prepared for it, you can never actually be prepared to lose someone you love. We both decided to break up when you left, we knew long distance wouldn't work out. Oh I wish it did. But when you left, you kept calling and texting me like nothing had changed while I was rotting on the inside missing you. I didn't want that, I told you I was hurting. I told you I wasn't eating and I told you keeping contact with you was destroying me but you kept reassuring me and telling me things would be okay.
I knew it was just a matter of time until one day our texts would become shorter and our calls inexistant. It was a matter of weeks or months until you would eventually tell me 'I went out last night and kissed someone' or 'I met someone' or 'I don't love you like I used to anymore, things change' and I didn't want to go through that, I couldn't. So instead of getting hurt, I chose to be the one who screws up. I chose to kiss someone else, someone you hated because of the history I had with him. I knew the second my lips touched his, it was over between us.
I did it so I could move on, and so you could find a reason not to hold onto me and live your uni life to its fullest. I didn't want to be the one holding you back and going crazy thinking about your whereabouts when we were weren't dating but we 'couldn't date anyone else' .
I know I could've just not tell you about it, because we weren't dating anymore, but I felt like I owed it to you. And now you hate me. You hate me so much you regret ever meeting me. You hate me so much you told me 'you and I was a mistake'. You hate me so much that even your drunken self made you text me that you wanted me out of your life and that you'd never forgive me. But I was honest. I was honest and I apologized, there's nothing more I can do.
I don't regret anything. Even if our relationship was so young, immature and full of ups and downs, you were my first love. My first everything actually.
I keep replaying our last conversation in my head; the one where drunk you told me you hated me so much. The last thing I told you was 'I hope one day we can be part of each other's lives, whether it's in 10 months or 10 years, until then, goodbye'. I guess it's easier to forget someone when you hate them right ? Come on, we both knew us calling and texting and saying I miss you was the road to a dead end.
I always say I don't have any regrets in my life, just because I feel like everything that happens to you is meant to happen. But if there's one thing I regret most, it's not having you in my life anymore when just a few months ago I could see you by my side at 50 years old.
I hope you'll forgive me, one day. You used to love me so much, I still remember that time where we told each other, in full honesty (and very in love) that we were soulmates. I hope when you're more mature you understand why I did that. I hope you understand I was hurting too.
I'm sorry it had to be him, but if it wasn't him it would've been someone else, and if it wasn't me who did it, it was eventually going to be you. I'm sorry I chose me over you, I was sick of being depressed for weeks. We're both young, I'm still a teenager, I need to live and you just got to uni, it's a new chapter in both of our lives and I know one day, maybe it'll be in a very very long time, you'll be glad I did what I did, you'll be glad I forced you to hate me and move on from me when you'll be laying next to someone who you're head over heels in love with and who you think, just like you did with me, 'this the love of my life'.
All I want is for you to be happy, and if that means hating me and wishing we weren't each other's first loves, then so be it. It doesn't mean you won't receive a package for Christmas, nor a letter for your birthday. You know me, you know I won't listen to you telling me not to contact you. I hope that, in a few months, if I send you a message, you won't tell me go beat it. I hope one day you want me in your life again, whether it's romantically or just to be friends, I really can't wait for that day to come.
Until then, my love; I am so sorry, I still love and miss you, and like I told you 'I will never stop trying to make it right with you. Whether you push me completely out of your life, I won't stop.'
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