It has been a few months since we have met each other, but only days since we have last spoken. I mean, not literally spoken in person, but just through chat. Because we never did that. Not even once. And I know you'll never gonna do that. I'd be lying if I say I'm okay. Because the truth of the matter is that, I'm not and I really really miss you and I'm still thinking about you. Like, how are you feeling right now? Are you alright? What are you doing? You're probably playing your video game by this time. But you know what the hardest part is? It's that I gotta keep these thoughts to myself since verbalizing my emotions is not possible because I am too upset with heartache to communicate clearly. Not even through chat. So I decided to write you a letter instead. I thought that through writing, I may free myself from exhaustion. From you. And that this letter might serves as our closure.
To be honest, I don't hate you. I can't. No matter how many times my friends reminds me that you took me for granted and that you're nothing but an asshole, I still can't hate you. I don't know why. Maybe because of the little moments we've shared that's still present in my heart. Or maybe because I can't accept the fact that you just really used me. Thinking of the things we used to do, I just can't imagine how we end up like this. My mind can't take the fact that someone you had so much history with could become someone you don't even text anymore. It's sad to think that in the blink of an eye, everything can change.
When you look back on it, it really sucks that you gave someone more than anyone could ever gave you. Maybe because of the fact that I thought the more I gave and the more I cared, you would start to do the same in return just like in the movies. But unfortunately, that's not always how it works. You can simply give someone your best and get nothing in return. You know what? I never thought I'd be the girl who questioned herself if there was something wrong with her because of a guy. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't looking for anything in return or even a "thank you". All I want is to feel appreciated for everything I may have done.
Going back to the moment I read your message, (the message that led us here) I honestly don't know what to feel until I felt my tears falling all over my face. I was caught up that moment, especially when I read the sentences where you said that you're still into her. The girl you had before me. The girl you still love. You said you're sorry for how many times and I told you it's fine. Well, it's really fine with me. I actually admire your honesty. It may be more sincere if you said those words in person. But I doubt you'll do that.
I would also like to apologize for the messages you might receive or you have received from my friends. Just ignore them. You're not as worthless as anyone think you are. I know you're not. It's just that, maybe we're not really meant for love. We both don't deserve each other. You deserve the person you really love and love you as much as you do. You deserve someone who can make you genuinely happy. And me, I deserve someone who only looks at me. I deserve someone who will appreciate all I do for them and acknowledge that I exist. And most importantly, I deserve someone who is sure about me. It took me a while to see, but you weren't and will never be these things that I deserve in my life. If not because of you, I would have never been able to see that I deserve so much more than I give myself credit for, and I really thank you for that.
Before I end this letter, I just want to clear things out. I'm not mad at you for not feeling the same way. I understand you and It's not your fault. So to the girl you really love, please don't be scared to tell her everything you feel. Because doors for opportunities are not open forever. I hope this letter will help the both of us to free ourselves.
We both deserve to be happy.
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