We were pawns, and our master? — love. We were willing to be controlled. It is as if we were always drunk, letting love take over our system, saying the words we never would say sober, but we weren't intoxicated at all. We were inlove and that causes us to say too much, to give too much, to show too much without feeling embarassed nor shy. We don't think about it at all. We just uncover.
But the heart couldn't govern all the time, same as you couldn't always be by my side, because we also need time to be with ourselves. So, I'll give you time to be with yourself. And this forces me to be with myself. FORCES. I just know that everytime I'm alone with myself, chaos and disaster will also be in the same room. And death, oh fearsome death, will always be waiting outside the door, waiting for me to get out of this box, waiting to destroy, to bring an end to something.
This is why I never want to be alone, because it just means that I'll be alone with my thoughts. It gives me time to think and think and I just overthink. Overthinking will always be my foe yet I let it be, because I just don't have enough strength to stop it from taking over. My thoughts are a part of me. They live in my mind and oftentimes they find their way to my chest where my heart dwells. They just stay there, they stay there to encage my heart. And it scares me, because I just know when that happens, my heart just stays there, hiding. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that my heart isn't brave enough. That I am not brave enough.
Death wasn't waiting at the door at all. My own thoughts are the ones giving death a phone call. No. Death isn't a skeleton. Death isn't a solemn-looking man carrying a scythe who cuts off people's lives. Death is a cluster of thoughts, my thoughts. My thoughts didn't cut off my life though, it did destroy our love. What's the difference?
I pushed you away, because my thoughts have confined my heart and they brainwashed me. They convinced me that I didn't loved you at all. They filled me with what ifs to make me doubt my love and yours too. They brought me into the darkness and my heart just couldn't give me the light I needed. It's scared to take a risk, scared to get out of that room, scared of my thoughts. And I couldn't even explain to you why I pushed you away. You wouldn't understand, and I don't understand either. Why was I so scared of my thoughts? Why didn't I just kick open the door?
When death succeeds to cut our string, it just leaves. My heart is free, but it's too late. I was free to love, but I have no one to love anymore. Overthinking destroys everything, but it doesn't kill you. It just tortures you. Then, it gives you the illusion of freedom, only to be tortured again by your own regrets. So, please don't leave me alone with my thoughts. They're murderers.
