Forwards // Book Two

Chapter 2.

The clock ticks viciously above my bed. As every second passes the constant ticking grows louder and louder, consuming my thoughts. I clutch my eyes tight in the darkness and try to concentrate on something else. Something. Anything. Nothing happens. The ticking continues as I slowly lose my mind.

After about a minute of the loud ticking sound, I shoot up from the bed and decide to go check on Gracie. I just need to get out of that room. I can't sleep in there. I haven't been able to since all of this has happened. I can't sleep in our bed alone anymore. It just doesn't feel right.

I walk a few feet from my room to Gracie's, slowly opening the door. The soft light from the hallway illuminates her room. I walk across the shaded half of her room and peer down at her. She's fast asleep and her small chest is softly rising and falling. I smile down at her and plant a small kiss on her smooth forehead.

I take a deep breath and slowly walk out of her room, afraid that any small sound will wake her and throw her into a raging fit. I don't need to deal with one of those right now. I would much more prefer her calm and sleeping peacefully. I make my way down the stairs, thirsting for some kind of entertainment. I need a distraction.

I need something to take my mind off of all of the pain. I need to forget all of the memories. Right after it first happened, I was afraid that I would forget, but now I'm afraid that I'll remember. I remember everything. What were once beautiul memories are now just haunting nightmares. I can't go anywhere or do anything without her being right in the front of my mind.

I can see her smile and hear her laugh. I can smell her heavenly scent and touch her bare skin. I can taste the saltiness of her lips as if they're on mine. The problem is, they're not. They never will be again. I'm not sure how I'll ever accept that. I'm not sure how I'll ever move on.

The bottom floor of the house is quiet and dark. I move into the kitchen and check the clock on the coffee maker. It's not even 11:00 p.m. yet. I used to stay up partying all night. Before her of course. She changed everything.

"Harry?" Lucy groans as she walks into the dark kitchen.

"Lucy, what are you doing up?" I ask as I run my hands through my thick hair.

"I can't sleep. You?" She asks, grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

"I uh..." I don't want to admit that I can't sleep. I don't want Lucy to know the struggle that I'm going through even if she will understand. I have to be the strong one here. I'm the man of the family. I have to be strong.

"I uh...was actually thinking of going out for a bit..." I nod, crossing my arms across my chest.

"Going out for a bit? Harry, it's 11:00..." She whispers, pointing to the bright green numbers on the microwave.

"I know but I just need some fresh air..." I say, nodding my head again.

"Oh..." She whispers, nodding her head with me.

"So uh, can you watch Gracie for me?" I ask, walking out of the kitchen.

"Of course..." She whispers behind me as I walk away.

I quickly jot upstairs and throw on a pair of jeans, a jacket to throw over my t-shirt and shoes. I stuff my wallet into my pants and take my cell phone off charge. This will be the first time I've been out since her funeral. I've been stuffed in the house for the past few weeks and I'm actually quite excited to see how life has moved on outside.

I run back downstairs, say "goodbye" to Lucy and jump in my car. I'm not even sure of where to go. Where does a person go at 11:00 at night? I don't want to go to a park, that's too quiet. I don't want to go to a restaurant, that's too boring. Where did I used to go before all of this? Who even was I before all of this?