I miss you.

Chapter Thirty-Three: Every breath.

A/N: alright guys. Last chapter was a bit messed up, but still. LOVE ME OKAY? JUST LOVE ME AGAIN.😘 Mmk. Well bye this was a suprise update btw. Ed Sheeran is my husband. Mmk bye.

Kaylee pov.

Every time I sucked in the thick air I regretted it. I had told them I was tired and I was taking a nap.

Chris had gone home and I'd pretend the be sleep when he said goodbye as he hugged me tightly. I wish I could take back my entire life. Why couldn't I have just died?

It's okay. That's what they'd tell me, it's not okay. Nothing is okay. I want to run away and never look back. I want to leave everything here.

The place where it all started. I turned the key to my old house and went inside. Every room was empty. I looked around every memory playing in my head. Chris and I throwing food at each other in the kitchen. My mom and dad dancing in the dining room. My cat Lilly playing with her yarn in the hall. And me when I was little-

There is not one memory I have of my child hood without Chris. You see this is how memory's work. You don't remember every single moment of your life, you only remember the bad and the good. Never just a regular afternoon.

I trailed my hand up the banister and ran up the steps. I went in my room and the only thing there was my dresser. I took my Keys and unlocked my locked drawer. It had my diary in it.

I read every page. I'd been using it since I was twelve. Every page dedicated to how much I love a messy haired little boy named Christopher.

How I liked how he snorted when he laughed, the way he runs when he plays basket ball. The way he danced at winter formal in middle school. How ridiculous his laugh is, and how effortlessly he had kept up with me this whole time. Everyday, there was always something new to talk about.

There were always more secrets to tell and for seventeen years he'd never gotten tired of me. My first memory of him was when we were five on the first day of school. We had been neighbors for all our lives until fate tore us apart.

Until Havoc tore everything apart.

Why can't I just be the person I was. Why can't I just go back to two thousand twelve when I was a virgin, when I had no intentions of drinking or going to parties or doing bad things.

All I wanted was to be with Chris. Whatever he did I did too. And when he left. I guess I left the real me in the past too.

I can deny all of this, but it's happening all of it.

It's not because I'm pregnant.

It's not because I'm in love with my best friend.

It's not because my boyfriend has cancer.

It's not because I don't even have a stable family.

It's not because I hate myself.

It's because I'm not who I was and that's who I'm trying to find.

You can't just loose yourself. Or can you?

The taste of his lips may be the reason why I'm so frustrated.

I know what I want, but what I want is not what I need.

I need to tell Justin, my mom everyone. I can't just escape this.