Exposure & Shutter Speeds

| 6 |

Lana looked at me square in the eyes. I stared right back.

"Come on Bee, you KNOW you can tell me anything," said Lana.

"I know, but it's not a story that comes easy, you know? I've shoved it down so far it's going to break me apart uncovering it again. I've worked so hard to push that night out of my head, I don't know if I'd survive dredging it all back up again." I admitted, defeated.

"Bee, you survived that night, and the aftermath. You can survive anything. But, you haven't been living! You're a shell of who you used to be! You had it all - impressive career, climbing through the ranks, an adoring fiancé, and you where so full of life! It kills me to see you with no drive, no ambition. You're simply existing one day to the next... And it kills me I can't help you."

I cringed, trying to avoid going to any place in my memories that included my ex-fiancé. The whole situation with him added in was just the icing on the damn wedding cake. I shuddered, and focused back in on Lana, trying desperately to banish the flashback that was trying to overtake.

"I know I need to talk about it some day, and you more than any one deserves to know what happened, but I'm just not ready. The time is coming, obviously sooner than I was hoping thanks to the flashbacks, but not yet Lan, not yet."

Lana looked at me skeptically, and raised her eyebrow at me. "Ok Bee, one last time to fob me off, as you've had an intense day, but I'm not letting it slide. I didn't push you when it happened, but you need to cut out those bitter roots! Once it's in the open, I can help you deal with it"

I sighed. I knew I couldn't compartmentalise it for much longer. Today proved this over and over again.

"I know, but just not tonight. And before you say it - probably not tomorrow either," I said.

"Ok, that's fine - you look like you could do with some sleep, so I'll head out now. Addie is home, so you're not alone." She smiled at me.

I got up off the couch and padded over to the front door as Lan grabbed her bag. Unlocking the door, I looked up at her.

"Thanks for everything, for putting up with me" I told her.

"Someone's gotta do it!" She grinned. "Night Bee!" And she marched down the hallway to the elevator.

I shut the door, and double checked it was locked. Leaning up against the door, I let out a sigh. I felt like I had gone 50 rounds in an emotional boxing match. I was completely and utterly shattered.

I padded to my room, and shut the door. I turned around and froze again, realising I hadn't packed up my gear from this afternoon. I walked hesitantly over to my bed and peered back in the ominous looking bag.

I lightly fingered the lenses, and they where cool to the touch. I picked up one of my setups, and felt its weight in my hands. It was oddly comforting, and felt natural - it had been a while since holding a camera had felt like this. I had barely even used my phone camera.

I packed my gear away, struggling again with that damn zip, and made a note to myself I'd need a new bag, and I should probably update my SD cards. I froze, in shock. Autopilot was a bitch sometimes. That hadn't happened before. I mean, it's not like I was going to be shooting again was I?

If I wasn't going to ever shoot again, why hadn't I sold my gear? Why am I holding on to this stuff if it has such painful memories to go with it? I sighed out loud, the sound startling me. I shook my head to clear out those thoughts, and put the bags back in my cupboard, shutting the door securely.

"I need to stop being so jumpy!" I said out loud into the empty space. Now I'm losing the plot, I thought to myself. Talking to myself out loud.

"At least it's intelligent conversation." I muttered under my breath.

I peeled off my still damp dress and my underwear and dumped them in the washing basket. They made a wet thud as they hit the bottom of it. Making a mental note to chuck them in the wash tomorrow, I walked into my bathroom and turned the shower on. The hot water soothed my tense muscles. I lathered up my loofah, and the scent of strawberries and cream filled the air. I rinsed off, jumped out of the shower, and finally slipped into my comfortable shirt that had been waiting all afternoon for me.

I longingly looked at my ebook reader, deciding I was too wiped to even follow a story. Last time I'd read like this, I'd fallen asleep and the reader had smacked me in the face, leaving a corner shaped bruise on my forehead for a week. Lana and Addie both tried so hard not to laugh at me every time they saw me. 

I closed my eyes to remember one particular day with them, I could hear Addie laughing, "At least it's only an e-reader! Remember when she was reading the 4th Harry Potter book, in hard copy Lan?" Addie was gasping for breath in-between laughing fits, tears where streaming down her face. "She fell asleep reading that one too! You could make out the shape of the cover by the bruise it left when she dropped that one on her face!" Addie, Lana and I all dissolved into giggles, and Addie fell off the couch she was laughing so hard, which only made us laugh harder. I smiled at the memory. When was the last time we'd all laughed that hard? I couldn't remember. 


After turning off the lights, I fumbled my way into my bed, and waited for sleep to come.

I always dreaded it. My conscious could compartmentalise and squash down everything to do with those shattering 24 hours. My sub-conscious though was a bitch.