I'll Help You Hide From Them

Repercussions

After a few hours of sitting in isolation I look up at the door when it opens, seeing Dr. Illingworth walk in.

"I was called and told to come here as soon as I'm free and my one o'clock cancelled." He tells me as he sits down opposite me.

"Did they tell you what happened?" I hesitantly ask.

He nods. "Your Captain briefed me but he doesn't know what happened. I would believe your account more than his." He points out.

"I lost it." I quietly admit feeling great shame.

"Do you know what triggered you to lose it?" He gently checks.

I nod silently, unable to form words.

"You don't need to feel ashamed when you talk to me. I'm not going to make you feel like you made a fool of yourself. I can imagine you're under a lot of stress right now so I wouldn't ever think to add to your current level of stress." He explains. "With me there's nothing for you to worry about."

"Did they move Shane?" I hesitantly ask.

"He's currently being held at another facility that you're not meant to know the location of." He tells me honestly.

Even though the idea of not knowing where he is terrifies me to the core, I can understand the reasoning behind it. "I take it I should also turn in my badge." I sigh in defeat.

"No. You're a valuable resource here, one of the best detectives this station has. Your Captain told me that he's going to have you kept close so that there are officers and other detectives who can keep you from crossing the line." He explains.

I can feel my throat drying up at the thought. "What's going to happen to Kier?" I nervously ask.

"He's been assigned to be shoulder to shoulder with you to try to keep you calm. The only time you'll be without him is when you're with me." He replies.

"So I'm basically going to be put on some kind of suicide watch." I figure out.

"After what you've just done, you can understand why they would put you in that kind of position." He carefully points out.

"I understand." I dully reply.

"I'll let you leave on your own whenever you're ready so that the other people working here don't find out that you're seeing me." He tells me.

I nervously look towards the door, knowing that the second I leave, everyone will be watching me as if they're expecting me to lose it again. I don't know if I'm prepared for that.

"Take your time. I'm not going to rush you." He tells me.

"I don't really know how I can go out there when everyone's going to be judging me." I admit.

"I'm sure they won't be judging you. Most of them know what you went through and have a lot of respect for you. They aren't your enemies." He reassures.

"It's like they're relishing my failure so that they can feel better about their job and so on." I mutter.

"Why does that matter to you? If anyone else went through what you did, do you really think they'll have the strength to come back to work?" He challenges.

"Do I really have the strength for this? I can barely keep it together as it is." I mutter.

He gives me a calming look. "You've been through a lot. It's normal to doubt yourself but what you're going through now won't last forever. There will be a time when you can get back on your feet and that will be a lot closer if you stay strong through this. I don't mean that you can't have moments where you are overwhelmed with stress and despair but I'm sure that you can get through anything if you put your mind to it." He continues to attempt to make me feel better about myself.

"I'm not worth it." I mutter.

He gives me a sympathetic look. "There's a family out there who need justice done properly and you're the only one who can help them. Doing your job works as a great distraction so I'd recommend that you go back to it." He suggests.

I hesitantly get up and head towards the door.