ME: Lost

Doubt

Dr. Michel looked almost apologetic when she informed Kaidan that he'd healed enough to be discharged.
She needn't have worried, the news came as a relief. His hospital room had become excruciatingly cramped, lines for the extranet consoles too long, and there were definitely patients who needed his bed more.

He had several places to visit after gaining his freedom, but one need trumped the others.

The human embassy overflowed with refugees, but two hours and a simple biometric scan later, he'd been issued a new credit chit for his Alliance bank account.

After that, it took less than two hours to find the perfect replacement for his damaged omni-tool as well as a few simple black t-shirts, slacks, and boots. The hospital had little storage, so they'd sent his damaged armor and weapons back to the Alliance military offices in one of the lower wards.

That trip would have to wait till tomorrow, he decided, his ribs couldn't take any more walking today.

<><><>

Kaidan swiped the key smoothly through the electronic lock and swung the door open. Dust puffed into the air as he tossed the borrowed key and his credit chit onto the counter. The doctor had not lied when she said she never stayed here. The room was sparsely furnished, containing barely more than a small bed and a single lounge chair.

He didn't really care, he was just grateful she'd offered it until he figured things out.

Setting his purchases on the counter next to the key, he sunk down onto the bed and unwrapped the new omni-tool. His lids drooped tiredly but he shook himself awake; he could read a few more messages before he slept.

<><><>

"Four years?" Liara's eyes widened in horror, "he doesn't remember anything?"

Shepard sighed and rubbed her left temple. When had these headaches gotten so bad? "Absolutely nothing," she replied, "Dr. Michel said she gave him Alliance reports to read, that's how he recognized me."

She glanced around Liara's cabin, thankful they had privacy for this conversation. Most of the crew would recognize Kaidan by name only; but of the few who did know him, Liara was the only one who understood the full situation. Garrus probably had an idea, but even the thought of discussing this topic with him - Shepard winced in embarrassment.

"Have you spoken to him since?" The asari questioned, crossing the room to check an alert on one of her many consoles.

"I haven't. I promised to send a message, but we've been a little busy..."

She let the sentence trail off, not entirely sure if she was simply making an excuse. They had been busy, the female krogan in their medbay proved that; and with Hackett sending her all over the galaxy on wild varren chases, her team was exhausted. Still, she'd had some down time while they traveled, perhaps she was letting discomfort and fear keep her from contacting him.

Glancing up, she realized her friend had shifted her focus from the topic at hand. Something on her console intrigued her, demanding her full attention.

Suddenly Liara gave a small squeak of excitement, shifting forward to key in a command. Several video feeds flashed onto the screen and Shepard leaned closer in horror.

"Is that...earth?"

The asari jumped, anxiety blooming on her face. "I'm so sorry, Shepard, I didn't think. I-I've been trying for months to find any useable feeds. This is an outdated satellite, one that wasn't even being used anymore. I was so excited, I didn't think about you being in here-"

The asari's apology fell on deaf ears.

Earth burned.

Cities and towns, once pinpricks of light creating a beautiful grid across the landscape, now glowed orange and yellow while the rest of the planet had been plunged into darkness.

"I knew it was bad, but seeing it...this is impossible. I can't-" She choked off in disbelief.

"No, you're Commander Shepard, you can beat them," unshed tears glittered in Liara's eyes.

"This isn't a crazy turian with a chip on his shoulder, this isn't mutated protheans forced to kidnap humans," exhaustion was kicking in, and Shepard felt whatever grip she normally had on her emotions slipping away, "this is...this is-"

"Just another fight, no different from the last." The anger in her friend's voice startled her, "you will win because you have to! If you don't..."

She trailed off and a sharp stillness in the room screamed what neither of them was willing to say.

<><><>

Shepard lunged upright in bed, breathing heavily. The child's face haunted her sleep most nights, but this time it was different. This dream shook her to her core.

Voices, ghostly shapes of those she'd failed.
Ashley, Jenkins, her former Marine unit...calling her, pleading for help.
Then silence.
Kaidan stands beside her, arms crossed, face twisted into an angry sneer.
"You're not even worth remembering. At least now I might have a chance to live. You destroy everyone around you."
Kaidan's face glows. Flames melt the skin, peeling it away in strips until only the skull remains.
His tortured screams burn in her ears, tearing at them, filling them with blood.
A terrifying voice, echoing as thousands, thunders in the darkness.
"You cannot defy us! We will destroy everything around you, everything you hold close. For we are many and you are one!"

Wrapping both arms around her legs, Shepard hunched her shoulders, resting her forehead on her knees. Her heart still raced despite the series of deep breaths she'd forced through her lungs. Echoes pounded at her brain and she knew these images would haunt her waking hours as much as they had her dreams.

A drop of moisture rolled down her neck, and she realized she was crying.

Seven year old Jae sits on the kitchen counter of the small military-issued apartment. Blood runs down her leg and she catches her breath in pain. Her mother smiles as she gently cleans the wound. Her father towers over her, expression stern, "buck up, soldier! A little blood never killed anybody." He waves away his wife's annoyed glance and continues, "you're a Shepard, kid, we don't cry over silly things like a scraped knee. We fight and we win, pain be damned."

It's difficult to remember someone you barely saw a couple weeks out of the year, but that one memory of her father stuck with her despite the two decades that had passed. Those simple words had impacted every decision she'd made since elementary school, and were the base of the protective wall she kept around herself.

She was a Shepard, she didn't cry.

Not when her father's ship had been attacked by batarian pirates, killing everyone.
Not even on Akuze when her last squadmate died in her arms and she'd realized she was truly alone.
So why now? In the last four years, she'd turned into an emotional wreck. How had she let a single man break through her defenses so completely?

"Buck up, soldier," she found herself whispering, "pain be damned."