ME: Lost

Answers

"Thank you for coming, major." Dr. Chakwas activated the lock on the door behind her and waved towards the medical console where Liara sat, "please have a seat."

Kaidan leaned against the desk as he glanced back and forth between the two doctors, unwilling to read anything into the expressions.

"Progress?" he asked cautiously.

Liara folded her hands daintily in her lap, "Dr. Chakwas and I have been researching the biometric patterns we pulled from Shepard's helmet. We believe we may have an answer."
She glanced towards the other woman before clearing her throat, "I've had a suspicion for a while now, but no way of testing the theory. Most of the data that was gathered while Shepard worked with Cerberus was uploaded then scrubbed when the Normandy transferred back to the Alliance."

Chakwas joined in, "my medical records were confiscated as part of the investigation. When Shepard asked me to rejoin her I gathered what I could, but was only able to pull the most vital information."

Kaidan nodded patiently as Liara continued the explanation, but inside he tensed, preparing for bad news.

"The experiments conducted on Horizon were most enlightening. I was able to gather quite a few readings. We compared the brain activity of the, uh, subjects with the data from Shepard's helmet. Both fortunately and unfortunately, there was a match."

"You think she's indoctrinated?" Kaidan's chest tightened and for a split second he couldn't breathe, "you think she's being controlled by the reapers?"

"No, not indoctrinated-" Liara paused for a moment to gather her thoughts before huffing in frustration, "-honestly we don't know what to think."

"But you just said her brain matched the husks!"

"It was a very slight match, just enough to confirm that what is happening to her is similar." She stood quickly and began pacing the room, "if Shepard was indoctrinated like the husks, quickly and completely, she would be out of control; she would be unable to form any of her own thoughts. Saren and, we believe, the Illusive Man were indoctrinated slowly, and as the transformation happened they became more and more intent on helping the reapers. They didn't realize it themselves, but it was obvious to those around them. I believe we can safely say Shepard is not showing any of those signs either."

"Agreed," Dr. Chakwas took over, "but the brain patterns we read from her helmet were staggering, almost double what she normally experiences. At first I thought it was simply a side effect of the prothean beacon and cipher, and exacerbated by stress. Our technology when she first encountered the beacon was nowhere near as accurate as we have now, but even with the patchy data it's pretty obvious, when you compare the two, that this is much different."

Kaidan groaned inwardly as a familiar sharp twinge ran up the jawline to his temple, and when Liara jumped back in, he held up a steady hand. "Liara," he said as calmly as possible, "I trust that you've researched this thoroughly. Please just tell me what you think is wrong with Shepard."

The asari's mouth snapped shut mid-sentence and she nodded, grimacing in discomfort. "It is only a theory, I do not have nearly enough evidence to prove it, but I believe the reapers have been trying to indoctrinate Shepard since they first discovered her intent to destroy them."
Liara started pacing again, this time more slowly, "over the past four years, she has been exposed to more reaper technology than any person I know of. Each instance only lasted a short length of time, a fact for which we can be very thankful, but even small encounters could start to affect you over four years. If Shepard were any other person, I think she would already be lost to us, but she's unique. My brief endeavors to interpret the prothean beacon left me physically weak and mentally exhausted, but she's carried that information in her head for this long and maintained her sanity. When I joined with her mind, I could feel her strength. The sheer control and presence of mind was intimidating, she was - I don't know how to explain it- she was closed off."
The asari paused, casting about for a metaphor that would clearly describe the experience, "if I joined my mind with yours right now, it would be as if I were walking down a long hallway. I could enter any room I wish and examine the contents. With Shepard, the doors were locked. I could glance in the window, see the memories from afar, but never get close. I believe it is this unconscious ability that has kept her safe."

The twinge was quickly developing into a full migraine, and Kaidan dropped wearily into the vacated chair, "that doesn't explain why she's acting irrationally."

"She's been fighting indoctrination for a long time, her stress levels are beyond dangerous, and she's not sleeping. The strain has to be wearing on her mind. That is likely what is causing her altered behavior."

"Alright," he stood, absentmindedly rubbing his neck, "so that's not entirely bad then. If we keep her stress level down and make sure she sleeps well, she'll be better?"

The two women glanced at each other hesitantly, concern in their eyes.

"There is one more thing, major," Dr. Chakwas spoke up, "the voices she's claimed to hear. At first we thought it was simply proximity to reaper technology causing havoc; but as we further discussed it, we realized it's likely that the reapers are actively trying to communicate with her. If they know she's close to defeating them, they could be using every opportunity to wear her down." Her eyes softened in reluctance, "we need to be prepared for the possibility that they might succeed."

Kaidan stared at her in horror as he processed the new information, "is there anything we can do?"

"We are so close," Liara said softly, "the crucible is almost finished, and Shepard is the only one who can end this war. We can help her most by continuing to do what we have always done - work as a team and watch her back."

"What do I tell her? She deserves to know what's wrong with her!"

"Kaidan, I...I think she already does."

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Kaidan trudged slowly down the corridor to his living space, mind swirling with everything he'd just learned. His stomach churned at the vicious pounding in his temple. Halfway to the door his vision blurred and he paused, leaning against the wall to catch his breath. This migraine showed signs of being the worst he'd had in awhile. When his room finally came into focus, he stumbled forward, clumsily activating the control.

All thoughts of his own pain receded as he stepped into the room and saw its occupant. She sat dejectedly on the floor by the large window, her shoulder wedged into the corner, cheek resting against the glass. She didn't move when he entered, and it wasn't until he settled silently beside her that she spoke.

"I chose this."

"Chose what?"

"All of this, everything that's happened. Maybe not at first, but once I knew what was going on - I chose to accept the responsibility. Every step of the way, I've made the decision to continue because it was the right thing to do. I knew there'd be losses, that we'd lose battles, lose friends. I was prepared for that. I wasn't expecting to lose myself." Her voice softened and he strained to make out the words, "we might win this war, but even if we destroy them, I've already lost."

"Don't say that," Kaidan spoke up in frustration, "that's what they want! They want you afraid. That's how their game works!"

"You think I'm scared of the reapers?!" Shepard turned, a hard glint in her eyes, "I'm not afraid of them, Kaidan, they won't take me down without a fight. I'm not giving in, I'm just accepting the truth. I know what's coming and I'm still choosing to do it."
She turned back to the window, "I keep thinking about that husk on Horizon. He was lucid, desperate for help. I could see the gratitude in his eyes when I opened the door, when he realized he was free. He was human. And then he wasn't. Two seconds, that's all it took. I glanced away for two seconds and he became someone else. What if that happens to me? I'm not afraid of the reapers, I'm afraid of myself. What I might do, who I might hurt. That terrifies me."

He placed a hand on her knee, gripping it tightly, "we're all with you, Shepard, no matter what. We're going to take them down once and for all, and I'll be by your side every step of the way. I won't let you do anything you might regret."

"Promise me, Kaidan, promise you'll be there."

"I promise," he drew her close, settling her head down onto his shoulder, "and when we're done, we're going back to earth, to Vancouver. We're going to buy a house. You're going to have a piece of solid ground to call home."

Shepard's lips curved into a weary smile and she closed her eyes, "I'd like that."