The sound of my phone ringing wakes me up. So I answer it.
Donnie: Happy 21st birthday J!
Me: Huh? Oh Yeah! Thank you.
Donnie: I'm taking you out in the evening. We need a boys night. I'll see you in a few hours.
I try going back to sleep after I hang up.
Maddie: Daddy, monster.
My two and a half year old is at the end of the bed hysterical. What time is it? I thought to my myself I look over and it's 12:00 a.m! Halee is fast asleep. I can't help but smile. She's so cute.
Me: Maddie there's no such thing as monsters.
Maddie: Come look!
Me: Okay. But I promise there's nothing.
I get to my daughter's room. And I look under the bed. Glowing green eyes are staring at me and a furry paw hits me in the eye. I scream along with Maddie. My wife comes in holding a frying pan getting ready to attack anything harming us.
Halee: Jordan. What. Is. Going. On?
She says through her teeth.
Me: Look!
I point under the bed and she looks.
Halee: It's just the cat.
Me: No! It attacked me! It's a wild beast!
She pulls Lola out from under the bed.
Halee: It's just Lola.
Me: I knew that.
Halee: Apparently not. Now both of you back to bed now.
Maddie and I in unison: Fine.
I tuck Maddie in and I go back to my bedroom and crawl under the covers.
Just then I hear ruffling downstairs. I grab the nearest thing to attack any intruder which is Madelyn's toy lobster. I walk downstairs and see a figure. I run up and start beating it with the lobster. A Pringle can flies across the room.
Intruder: OW. JOR *hit* DAN *hit* ITS *hit* ME *hit* DONNIE.
Me: How did you get in? And more importantly why are you eating my last can of Pringles?!
Donnie: Because like I said I'm taking you out. We're going to the club. And come on J a man gets hungry once in a while.
Me: You said tonight.
Donnie: Yeah but I'm ready to get my party on.
Me: It's 12:00 a.m.
Donnie: That's when the party starts.
He laughs.
Me: Fine. Just be real quiet. You know the wife will kill me.
Donnie: I had to sneak out too. Mine has a strong punch.
Me: Mine throws away my hair products when she's mad.
Donnie: Oh boo hoo.
Me: Hey! It isn't easy being this sexy.
Donnie: Oh yeah. Cause every grown man wears polar bear pajamas.
Me: Watch it Wahlberg.
Donnie: Just go get ready Knight.
I put on deodorant, my dark jeans, black t-shirt, varsity jacket, Nike socks and converse. Then I spike my dark brown hair. I spray cologne then brush my teeth. I take one look at myself in the mirror.
Me: Looking good.
I wink at myself. Donnie is waiting on me in the living room.
Donnie: *whistle* Damn Jordie.
Me: I do clean up nice. Now who's driving?
Donnie: Me. We gotta go in style. We gotta look cool.
Me: Huh?
We walk outside.
Me: Don that's a motorcycle. And it looks a little...
He cuts me off.
Donnie: Shhhh! Don't talk about Greta like that.
He rubs his bike.
Donnie: It's okay honey he didn't mean it.
And he kisses 'her'. I roll my eyes.
Me: I wouldn't ride anything named Greta.
Donnie: Just get on!
He hands me a polka dotted helmet.
Donnie: Sorry, it's Ally's.
Me: *sigh* So much for looking cool. And this will mess up my hair!
Donnie: Poor baby.
Me: Just go.
He turns on the engine.
Me: How do I hang on?
Donnie: Wrap your arms around me.
Me: Oh no no no.
Donnie: Fine.
He takes off and I fly off the back.
Me: FINE.
I say laying on the ground. I hesitantly put my arms around him. The ride there was actually smooth. But I got a few looks. We go to enter and a big fat strong man stops us.
Bouncer: I.Ds?
I pull out my license. And so does Donnie.
Bouncer: Go ahead.
We get inside and I spot Alexis dancing on the dance floor. Great.
Donnie: Let's get shit faced.
Me: We need a DD.
Donnie: My brother Mark.
Me: How will your motorcycle get home?
Donnie: It has a side car.
Me: Well. Okay.
Donnie and I order beer. One right after another. I've had about 8. I'm completely wasted. Wasted enough to do this. I look at Donnie.
Me: H-hey girl you're so pretty
I giggle. Donnie nervously looks around.
Donnie: Shut up and quit playing. You lightweight.
Me: I'm ggooonna gooo dannnce.
I stumble to the dance floor and dance my heart out to Wannabe by Spice Girls.
Alexis: Hey sexy.
Me: Leave me alooone
Alexis: No.
Donnie is nowhere to be found..
Next thing I know Alexis is kissing me. I jerk back I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and it's my brother Jon.
Jon: Who is this Jordan?
Jordan: Sommeee bitchhh that won't leave me alooone
Jon: Listen here slut bag. I'll give you two seconds to get away from my brother. If your hobby is taking advantage of drunk guys, you need serious help.
Alexis: Well. You're not drunk and I like what I see.
Jon: Honey, I'm gay.
Alexis: WHATEVER.
I see Donnie coming back from the bathroom. I sit next to him.
Donnie: What's wrong?
Jordan: Alexxis won'tt leavvee mee alonee.
Donnie looks over at her.
Donnie: Dude she's ugly. I can see her mustache from here
I start crying from laughing.
Donnie: Jordan calm down.
Donnie: Come on dude let's go home.
Me: Goooood ideeeaaa
Mark drives us home. It's only 7:00 a.m.
Just then my wife comes downstairs. She's looking at her phone.
Me: Heeyyy thhheressss myyyyy loveeelyyy wiiiife.
Halee: Jordan are you drunk?
Me: I'm perfectttttllyyy soobbbber
Halee: Jordan go take a shower.
Me: Okkkkkkkaaaayyy butt I neeed hellp.
Halee: Fine.
Me: Babbbyy hooww dooo iiii takee myyy shhirt offf?
Halee: I got it babe.
She undresses me and that's when I start kissing her.
Halee: Stop you taste like liquor.
Me: Bbbutttttt iiiii waant youuu
Halee: Wait till you're sober.
Me: fine.
I pout. She puts me in the shower. I fall asleep.
Halee: Jordan wake up. You're acting like Ally.
