Jordan and I are laying on the couch with our 3 year old and cat, Lola, watching TV. I get up to go to the bathroom and I feel something wet.
Me: Jordan I think my water broke!
Jordan: OH SHIT.
He picks me up and runs to the car.
Me: You forgot Maddie.
He runs inside to get her.
Maddie: Daddy left me.
She tattles on him.
Me: He didn't mean to baby.
I feel a sharp pain and wince. Jordan races to the hospital.
Me: HURRY. UP.
Jordan: I'm going as fast as I can!
Me: YEAH RIGHT!
I feel another sharp pain and I grab Jordan's arm and squeeze.
Jordan: ooooooWWWWWWW!
Me: You did this to me!
Jordan: You weren't complaining at the time.
Me: Shut up and drive.
Jordan: Okay Rihanna.
He laughs and I thump him on the head.
Jordan: Okay okay, sorry.
I start crying.
Me: It hurts Jordan.
Jordan: It'll be worth it. I promise.
He grabs my hand and I squeeze. We arrive at the hospital. Jordan carries me inside. And the dummy waits in line.
Me: Just get a doctor!
Jordan: But babe other people-
Me: YOU HAVE 6 SECONDS...
Jordan: Fine. HELP MY WIFE IS HAVING A BABY!
Then all hell broke loose and the doctor took me to a room. They put an IV in and I changed. Maddie sits on Jordan's lap.
Jordan: I'm going to go get some Wendy's from downstairs.
Me: So you want Wendy's at a time like this?
Jordan: But I'm hungryyyyy.
He whines.
Me: Fine.
Jordan: YAY.
He sprints out of the room. Donnie and Ally walk in.
Donnie: Any reason Maddie and J are running down the hallway screaming about a cheeseburger?
Me: He's hungry. She just likes copying him.
Donnie: We brought you this.
Ally hands me a stressball.
Me: I need this before I kill Jordan.
I joke. It's perfect timing and he comes back. Maddie got a kids meal. Jordan got three cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a chocolate frosty.
Me: Are you serious?
Jordan: I'm a grown man, I need to eat.
Donnie laughs.
Jordan: What?!
Donnie: You said man.
Jordan throws a water bottle at his head.
Me: If you break something I'll pretend I don't know you.
Jordan: Ouch that hurt.
He grabs his chest.
Ally: How do you do it?
Me: How do we do it?
Donnie and Jordan: HEY!
A few hours later Donnie and Ally leave with Maddie. The nurse comes in and I'm fully dilated. Nurse: Aren't you the one that passed out on your first kid being born?
Jordan: Psssh. No.... yes.
Nurse: Okay give me a push.
I push and scream. Then a few minutes later Carson is born. They cut the cord and I hold him first.
Me: How come Maddie and Carson look like you and not me?
I put Carson in the hospital crib.
Jordan: I don't know babe. But the boys and I leave for tour next week. Oh, and Joey and I are cool now.
Me: WHAT?! I'm not staying home by myself with a newborn.
Jordan: I'm sorry.
He looks upset. I don't answer him.
Jordan: Earth to Mrs. Knight.
I still ignore him and scroll through Facebook.
Jordan: So you're just going to ignore me?
Silence.
Jordan: Fine.
He jumps on the bed and lays on top of me.
Me: I. Can't. Breathe.
Jordan: Then stop being mad.
Me: Nope.
I play with his hair. And he lays beside me. The nurse comes in.
Nurse: Am I interrupting something?
Jordan: Ummmm no.
He gets up and picks up Carson. Jordan looks so cute today he's wearing a white t-shirt, black jeans, a snapback, his earrings, and converse. I think the nurse thinks so because she's looking him up and down. And "accidentally" drops her pen in front of him.
Me: Umm. Why are you checking my husband out? Stop being a whore.
Jordan: Oh here we go.
Me: You stay out of it. She just tried showing her ass to you.
Nurse: Pssh. He'd probably prefer me over you. I mean look at you.
Jordan: Really because I tore HER up 9 months ago not you.
Me: JORDAN.
Jordan: It's true.
He winks.
Nurse: Whatever. I need to take Carson back for testing. Just to make sure everything is good.
Me: K.
She takes him back.
Jordan: I'm hungry again.
Me: When aren't you?
Jordan: When I'm sleeping.
He smiles and laughs.
Me: Is Donnie coming back?
Jordan: Yeah. But Ally has work so it'll just be Maddie, Donnie, Jon, Danny, and Joey.
Me: Jordan that's a lot of people and I'm tired.
Jordan: Just tonight then it'll be over with and you can sleep.
Me: Where are you sleeping?
Jordan: Beside you.
Me: These beds are small.
Jordan: So?
Me: We'll break it.
Jordan: Not the first time.
He sticks his tongue out.
Me: Oh my lord.
Jordan: You love me.
Me: True.
I kiss him. That's when everyone walks in. Donnie screams.
Donnie: THEY'RE MAKING ANOTHER BABY.
Jon punches his stomach.
Donnie: Ouch.
He coughs.
Jon: Then hush.
He laughs.
Jon: Where's my nephew? I get to hold him first.
The nurse brings him in.
Nurse: Right here. And aren't you sexy?
Jon: Umm. I have someone.
The nurse rolls her eyes and hands me Carson.
Me: Come here Maddie.
Maddie: Yay!!
She sits on my lap and I help her hold the baby. She kisses his cheek. Next Jon holds him.
Jon: He's seriously a little Jordan.
Donnie: Lord help us all.
Jordan: Shut it Donald.
Donnie is next.
Donnie: You weren't kidding. He looks a lot like J.
Then Joey.
Then our parents come in and hold him.
Everybody leaves and Carson already peed on Jordan. I'm laughing and he's pissed.
Jordan: There goes my favorite shirt.
Me: You can buy a new one.
I choke and tears are rolling down my face.
Jordan: It's not funny. This is gross. Maddie never peed on me.
Me: Welcome to having a son.
