Counting Shadows [complete]

Chapter 39

I just ran away from the apartments, away from Jonathan and Jake. I was running as fast as I could, holding onto the container with the blood. It was cold outside and the air was daggering my lungs like ice daggers. For the first time in my life, I was not running with the wind, but against it. I pushed and pushed, not paying attention to where I was running to.

I wanted the run to be harder so I went uphill. As I was getting tired, High Wycombe was waking up. I looked around and realised I ran all the way to the oak tree. When I saw him, I simply collapsed. My face was wet - I had to be crying the whole time.

I wanted to be alone, but there was still Annie in my skin hiding somewhere. I could feel her mother as well. It just felt too crowded even for me. Maybe I could let them take over. Let the memories and their feelings take over. Would anyone notice that I was gone? I wanted to be sure that I would be missed - though of course, it was impossible to find out.

The oak hugged me. He gave me space and time to find the words that were running through my head. I found it really comforting he was not expecting any answer from me, I had his full support.

"Thank you," I said after a while. I calmed down, my breath became even.

"I just needed to see a friend. There was so much going on." I whispered. I could hear his answer but I didn't want to argue. I just agreed: "Yes, there are still things going on. I guess you can feel them, but I tell you, it's over now."

Someone could have mistaken the tree shivers for a simple wind playing with the leaves but I knew better. He didn't agree with me.

"It's not like I played with the death for fun. What's buried should stay so, what's dead should rest." It sounded a little like a prayer but I meant every word I said.

"I just wanted to be free, make up my own mind about what's to come," I added. It sounded childish even to me. What had just happened? I was falling to pieces but it was me who did it. I knew my friend was right. The blood was just wrong, I created the mess myself. I would never be free if I used it, it would be just another way of escape. Those who run never stop. It was then when I realised - if I did it I would get my freedom but I would lose so much more: my trees, the world, the wind.

"You are right, it is time to go home and have the chat. As Jonathan said, to count the shadows." It was time to face myself.