The Diary Of a Teenage Girl

Chapter 10

Love someone and you will see all the challenges of love. Love someone and you will experience the heart aches you’ve never felt each and every week. Love someone and welcome to my world.
It has been two months and Shaun was worse,  he did  unexplainable things. He went to parties and he mixed himself with the wrong people, the worst thing was that he called them “Friends”. The way he spoke to me was as if I’m the most boring person he could ever wish for. Sleepless nights…oh… I was even used to them. He stopped calling or even sending me texts. I was the only one in love in the relationship. Whenever we spoke he makes sure that we end up arguing, saying all the things about me having an affair with people with people I don’t even see myself dating. He suspected that I was dating his best friend. I always told him that I will never cheat on him but he never believed me, saying I’m too beautiful and girls this beautiful date more than one guy. You know if ever I had a knife that day he would've sIow. He searched my phone and when he finds just one guy or a number that called me, it was war. I never questioned him about the girls he had in his cell phone because he would just snap out and tell me to get it through my skull that he is not cheating on me, but I always had doubts.
We broke up a lot of times I think three times. When I found out that all along he was dating Cassandra (Shaun we call that cheating). They were dating that the whole school knew about them and I was the “not so good person” I cried my lungs out each and every night wondering what I’ve done to deserve all this. I’m so glad Lucy and Sandra supported me on this, because I would’ve been dead by now. I almost died when I saw them kissing. I was from my class to another. I paused for two seconds and I walked away. I even asked myself “where were you going?” Cassandra was so evil she looked at me and smiled as if I’ve done something so evil to her now it was payback time. Whenever I saw her face my whole day would be dull. She gave me the most difficult day one could ask for. There is no such thing as hate is a strong word. I hate the girl with all my heart.
It was about a month they dated. They broke up. Shaun came back in my life. This seemed like he was trying to show off that “he is the man” he can have two girls whenever he feels like it. We were back to where we started and he felt like things were not going the “cool” way it was with Cassandra or the “cool” way he wanted it to be. “Shaun can I ask you something” I said. “Yes what is it?” he replied as if he was thinking elsewhere. “Why did you come back in my life? He stopped everything and looked at me straight to my eyes as if I’m threatening to kill him or something. “Why would you ask that Cindy I love you with all my heart. You are the only one who gets me, I mean I’m nothing without you” “yes but you didn’t think that when you cheated on me with Cassandra right?” then there was silence. “Why do u like to go to our past always, we won’t go anywhere” “ohh…no no no! You getting it all wrong! it YOUR past not ours. I don’t even think we have a past and I know you still love her and as soon you fix things with her you are going back then I’ll become the lonely one again” I just didn’t understand why on earth is he back in my life to hurt me even more? Yes. I do love him but I just didn’t know how to deal with all that. He didn’t know how it feels to live with the fact that your boyfriend won’t call you…I had to make that effort, how painful it was to feel unloved and betrayed to feel lonely each day you wake up. To always ask yourself. Will I ever be loved by someone like he did? Will I ever find someone like him? I just felt lost. “Listen Cindy since you don’t trust me, I think I need to tell you something…the time I had a party I slept with Matilda, I made a mistake and I know you suspected that there was something going on between us but we were not dating it just happened I didn’t plan it. I promise please believe me.” I looked at him. I just got angry every time I looked up to look at him. I wanted to believe him but I just couldn’t. I hated him. I couldn’t even cry or show emotion because I was angry and sad at the same time not knowing what to do with him. “ I remember asking you about the party and how many girls you slept with you lied to me and said you were a good guy and you were a good guy and you did nothing wrong. You always lie to me and I’m just tired now” I left him there and I didn’t even say goodbye I went home.
When I got home I sent Sandra a text: “Shaun just told me she slept with Matilda” we were so close that I knew everything about her and it was time that I tell her about who I was and what’s going on in my life, I trusted her enough and I loved her. “Dear diary… worst day of my life. when will I ever find love and peace? Am I ever going to be loved and protected? I feel stupid for letting Shaun in my life again it seems like he will never stop hurting me, I will always look like a blind person to him. He will never respect me. I think he uses this as an excuse to leave me again. I think they never slept he just want to see me angry and to find myself making decisions while I’m angry. I will never leave him, but I know for a fact that he said what he said because he wants to go away again. I’m just tired of trying but I’ll never stop. LORD HELP”  
THREE WEEKS LATER…
I got a message from Shaun… “Hey… uhm…listen I think we fight a lot and my life is just upside down I don’t know what to do. I think i need to fix all this and I’ve hurt you a lot and I don’t want to keep doing that because I love you, now please let me fix my life in a correct way. And I’m really sorry for this but I think we need to fix ‘US’ in a way that we both want it to be. I mean I can’t be with you anymore. I just hate what I have turned to I’m sorry. Take care of yourself as always and I will never stop loving you. Take care” I knew that the sleeping story was going somewhere. I truly felt like dying but I survived. I cried and cried hoping that he would call back and say he is sorry but he didn’t. I felt lonely again I cried each and every day. I was Stress eating every day and I turned out to be rude to everyone who was different from me by gender. I deleted everything of his in my phone and burnt all the pictures I took with him I was angry that even my face turned red. I never loved someone like this and I don’t think I will ever love too much as I did. I guess he was treating me too well and loving me too much that I even forgot that he is human. I will always love him.
Friday 7 June 2013…
“Dear diary… I stopped crying but I never stopped loving…”.