i smoke to die. // djh + pml

eighteen / / please, don't ever leave me.

words are fucking tsunamis
but people splash them
around like they're fucking
puddles

tw / / depression - self hate, mention of bullying, death - suicide (this chapter is very sad).

Dan

"i want to say that i had a good childhood, and maybe i did, but, there was one problem, my parents. they were married and all, but, they always argued, fought, moved out, were on and off, i grew up with it my entire life, but, i guess i just got used to it, and that's really sad if you think about it, they never got along, and it never bothered me, so, apart from that, i was a pretty happy kid, i got along with everyone, can you believe that?"

i pause for a second and laugh, then i continue. "in grade school i was somewhat popular, well, not really, but you know how it is, everyone got along, everyone liked each other, there was no one left out, and troye was my best friend then, we were like glue, always together, we weren't troublemakers, but, somehow everyone would always want to play with me and troye, because we would create these games and everyone would love them, and not to mention i had a few girls crushing on me, but, i didn't feel the same for them, i mean, not that it mattered because my mum didn't let me date until i was in middle school, and me and troye's mums were close, so, we were basically always at each other's houses. so, i guess i really did have an okay childhood. but, then.. middle school started.."

i sigh and continue, "middle school was when everything came crashing down for me, when i started being depressed. at first i was excited of being in middle school, i thought it was going to be like grade school, i was wrong, because everyone somehow changed and everyone had their own social groups, i didn't have one, i only had one person and it was troye, but, troye of course was more social than me, so, he kind of was with the "popular" or "cool" kids, but, he never left me for them and i can't appreciate that enough of him, because, in that time is when i started being "emo", i started listening to bands, straightening my hair which had a fringe, which i still have today but much more improved, i started wearing dark, mostly black clothes, or even band merch, and wearing those thick wristbands, i even got my ears pierced, and apparently that wasn't normal, and, not to mention i came out as bisexual and even though i know i wasn't the only one, apparently everyone was a homophobe and targeted just me, so, from then on everyone somehow hated me and that's when the bullying started, insulting, sometimes shoving me or things like that, trying to make me feel bad about my sexuality, and that's how i developed my anxiety and depression, and why i decided to never speak to anyone that wasn't troye, because, he was the only one that would defend me, and actually stayed with me no matter what, but, as you can see, to this day i still get bullied and everyone hates my guts.."

i take a deep breath. "i really want to say i'm used to it, phil. that it doesn't bother me anymore. but, i can't, phil. it really sucks for people to say that you're useless, you deserve to die, you're ugly, you're a freak, a weirdo, a nobody, a loner, a loser, an idiot, a faggot, that you're a disappointment, that you should go kill yourself"

my voice cracks and i feel a lump in my throat and my eyes start to water, so, i close them to stop anything from coming out. "how can you say you're used to that, phil? do you know how terrible it feels to lie and say that you're doing fine? good? okay? when all you want to do is kill yourself or wish that you never existed... because that's all i deserve" i say the last part quietly and a single tear drop comes out of my eye, i wipe it quickly and hope phil doesn't notice.

"and troye was always there to lift me up, he always told me that i shouldn't listen to them, and that he loved me and he couldn't ask for a better best friend, and he would take me out to get some food to cheer me up, and just his presence made me happy, because, he was really the only person i had after my mum.. but... he can't be with me 24/7, he can't always be there for me to stop me from my negative thoughts, my midnight suicidal thoughts, why i hate myself, why everyone hates me, why am i living.. i can never get over it, the bad thoughts, it's like, once someone tells you something bad about yourself it never really goes away, and it just gets worse as the years go by, you can have happiness for a couple hours, but, the negative thoughts will always overpower the positive thoughts, and i'm never really going to get over it.."