Suburbia|tronnor|

95%c

*trigger warning & unedited

I walked up to the edge of a cliff that dropped into the water. I looked out over the ocean and all my emotions came flooding to my head. I was overwhelmed.

The weight of a simple human emotion really weighed me down more than a tank ever could. The pain, it's determined and demanding to ache. Truthfully, I'm not okay.

'I could just jump.' I said to myself.

I was taken back by the idea, although this wasn't the first time I've thought of suicide. This was the only time I had a legitimate opportunity.

'I wouldn't do it." I thought. "I won't."

I looked at the landscape, a twinge of pain struck through me as my eyes connected with the jetty.

A small thing that held so much meaning.

Then, I heard 11 year old Troye in my head.

"We'll count off." he said.

'I can't do it.' I thought. "Suicide isn't as easy as jumping off a jetty." I was down to my skin and bones here. The truth was, the stars were falling. My home has never felt this far with my father gone and my Blue Moon possibly hating me.

It all driving my crazy. All this adjusting is proving to get the best of me. I tried to accept myself as gay, then I tried to turn myself straight. Now I have to adjust to life without my dad.

I've been trying to hide it but lately, every time I think I'm better, picking my head up, it's getting now where.
I'd like to just go back to the basics and the simple life. All the things that make me feel at Ease. Mostly Troye's Touch, his comfort and his lullaby. When Troye sang to me, I was in Heaven.

At five, Troye started. "5.."

'What about Troye? And Dan? What about them? Even Emily, what about her?' I frantically said to myself and the soft voice in my head.

"4.." Troye continued.

No, no. Stop. I'm not brave enough. I can't leave everyone. They need me. They need me, right?

"3.."

They don't need me. I abandoned Troye, shut him out of my life. And I love him, but he won't know. And Emily, who knows what the hell she'll do, who she'll tell.

"2.."

And dad's dead. I know I'll eventually dishonor him and be the f*g he never wanted me to be.

I had a choice here. I can either be with my dad in a world without alcohol and only happiness, or I can stay here and make him ashamed of me. I knew I wouldn't be about to resist my sickening desires.

I wanted to see my man, my Troye, again up close. I wanted to kiss him, he could set me free. But in the end, I'd probably Bite like I did when I first shut him out.

But he obviously doesn't want to be with me after how I've treated him.

I built up the courage.

I was going to do it.

I close my eyes and I clenched my teeth. I knew couldn't out run what was coming after me.

I knew I couldn't easily get past this wave of life to an empty Swimming Pool.

"1.."

As cliché as it sounds, I saw a light in the distance calling my name. I knew I couldn't get there without going through some kind of pain. I saw a glimmer of hope for me in the sky.

There was only one way out.

I let my body fall. I felt no pain, forgetting all my worries and troubles.