Spaces {Malum}

T̶H̶I̶R̶T̶E̶E̶N̶

*TRIGGER WARNING*

if youre not comfortable with reading this don't because it does contain self-harm. just remember that i love you and don't ever hurt yourself please xx

After I sat with Michael for a little, I convinced him to go home. I made my own way home, knowing it was almost two in the morning and I didn't wanna be out too late. My mom was probably asleep, but still. I'd like to be home after all of this.

It didn't take me too long to get home. As soon as I got inside, I locked the door and went to my room. I shut the door, and jumped onto my bed. I began to think about everything that happened.

Michael had a horrible past, and he had no home. This was why he was so closed off. I knew a lot about him, but I had no idea about his past. He wasn't open about it. Now I could see why. And here I was, asking all these questions when it wasn't any of my business. Even Luke warned me. I just had to remind Michael of his past. Of his father.......

I banged my head against the head multiple times, not caring if there was a chance that i'd wake anyone up. Why would I ask so many questions? I was such a fuck up. I can't do anything right. I can't even keep my friendships in tact. I lost Ashton...and Michael.....

And Luke. I lost my best friend. Just because I'm a fucking idiot. Who in their right mind would keep pushing? And it was all because I decided to push Michael and ask that one question. I probably reminded him of all those horrible things. This was my fault Everything was my fault. I'm a fuck up. I probably don't even deserve to be on this earth. I ruined all my chances with Mi-

Wait. What? What the fuck was I thinking?

Actually thinking I had a chance with Michael Clifford. I like boys now? Last time I checked, I was straight. I like girls....right?

Suddenly, my breathing quickened and I began to freak out, falling off my bed and pushing myself up to my wall. I curled up in a ball and pulled at my hair. Tears began to fall down my puffy cheeks.

I can't be gay. I could never be gay. My mom and dad would disown me. They wouldn't call me their son anymore. I would get kicked out of the family. My sister would hate me.

But Michael.

Michael was just.....amazing. With his cute little chuckled and feisty attitudes, he was just perfect. His dyed hair would stick up in all the wrong places, but he still looked adorable. And his attempt at making jokes but failing, only to hide in his sweater which was three sizes too big. And his sweater paws....oh the cute, cute sweater paws.

Michael was like a huge cuddle little stuffed bear I wanted to hug and kiss forever.

I couldn't feel that though. I can't like boys. I won't. I don't actually like Michael. Liking a boy is a sin for me. A horrible, horrible sin. It made me sin. I can't sin in my family. I wouldn't have a family if they ever found out. I can't control this, though. Do I......like Michael? It feels like more.

I let out a loud sob as I clutched onto my shirt and gasped for breath once I figured out my feelings.

I was in love with Michael Clifford.

I scrambled up to grab my phone and went to call Luke. It went to voicemail after three rings.

"L-Luke? I-I don't know what's happening b-but I'm freaking out. Please, Luke. I'm so so sorry. I said sorry to Michael for hurting him. P-please believe me. I'm having such a hard time figuring myself out a-and I just need you here. L-Luke please." I hung up and threw my phone onto my bed, beginning to cry some more.

I love Michael. I'm gay.

I can't be gay.

My breathing turned into big gasps, and my body began shaking. Literally. I was unwillingly shaking. What the fuck was happening? I need it to stop. I got up and ran to my bathroom, locking the door. Something, I need something to stop this.

I eyed my cupboard and opened it hastily, grabbing my pack of razors and ripping it open. The razors flew out of the package and fell to the floor. I grabbed one and stared at it, holding out my arm-

Wait, what the fuck was I doing? Was I about to cut? I took a deep breath tried to calm myself, but I suddenly heard a voice in my head.

Do it. You deserve it.

That must've triggered me, because I quickly put the blade to my forearm and ran it across my arm, causing me to hiss in pain. I dropped the blade into the sink and started shaking more violently as I saw little droplets of crimson blood forming on my soft skin. The gash wasn't too big, but it was big enough to know it wasn't natural. I shook my head. No, I can't do this. This isn't right. I'm not this type of person. I'm not like this. Why would I do this to myself?

Because you're worthless. Being gay is horrible, for you at least. Your parent's won't love you. Your sister will forget about you. You mean nothing to no one.

Soon enough, my arms were covered in blood, slowly dripping down my skin into my sink. I let out a shaky breath, barely able to hold them up as I turned on the cold water and let it run. I reached into the cabinet and got out the bottle of rubbing alcohol. Unscrewing the cap, I let out a muffled scream of pain as I poured it all over the cuts so they wouldn't get infected. I quickly ran water over my pulsing arm, and wrapped my arm in a a gauze wrap.

I turned off my light and climbed back into bed, spending the rest of the  night sobbing and wanting to just jump off a building because of who I've become.

Holaa everyone! So technically I've continued by schedule since it's only been 8 days since I've updated. Sooo I'm keeping up! Pretty lit if I do say so myself.

Honestly this chapter is very triggering and depressing, but it's all part of a plan I have for it. I did tell you all hell was gonna break lose, didn't I?  This was it. And the rest of the story.

I'm still deciding whether the ending should be happy or not. Who knew Calum, the popular happy go-lucky talented hot ass boy, would turn out like this? No one. Plot twist.

Alrighty this isn't edited so if you point out any mistakes don't let me know because I don't really care as of right now. I'm editing the entire book when I'm done with it so yeah.

Love you! Hope you enjoyed?

                                        

-Mani