Built on Hope (Cassian Andor FF)

3. Who Will You Become?

Bitterness was such a petty thing.

It always arrived hand-in-hand with memories of shame. The roughest times of Cassian's childhood were filled with both emotions.

He bit his tongue as he walked back to his Allanar N3 Light Freighter in one of the hangars on Coruscant. The mission was a success. Why did he feel so...wrong? This is for the cause. For the Rebellion. I'm making a difference. He tried to convince himself. He repeated it over and over in his head until the horrible feeling went away.

Captain Andor boarded his ship and closed the hatch behind him. He stripped from his Imperial garb, revealing his normal light clothing underneath. He felt lighter, less encumbered by his enemy's uniform, which felt like submission in a prison.

Prison. The word echoed in his mind. He'd never been trapped in a prison, but god, something heavy inside weighed him down like one. Sometimes he'd felt as if he were drowning because of it.

The ship took off and flew out into space. Buttons lit up on the console, full of solid colors of red, blue, green, and yellow. Cassian punched a few before pushing a lever forward slowly. The stars disappeared from sight, and bright blue and white lights shone on the viewport as he pushed into hyperspace. Cassian leaned back in the pilot's chair, mind lost in a memory.

The year was 18 BBY. Only a few years had passed since that fateful day in the droid factory. Conflictions rose inside of little eight year old Cassian. His mother had unloaded a whole bucket of information on him.

Remnants of what his parents did during the early Clone Wars was a huge part of it. They fought on the side of the Confederacy, blinded to what they truly signed up for. Once Fest was yanked into the war, their eyes opened to what was really going on. Opened to what promises went unfulfilled. The people on Fest were going hungry, lost in the cold wilderness without supplies. The Confederacy promised freedom from the Republic and supplies, but neither happened. The war took, and took, but never gave them a break.

Then, the research center started cranking out more phrik supermetal, one of the few substances that could resist a Jedi's lightsaber. Their planet was being used to create something to wipe out a whole race of force wielders. Sure, Fest had a different point of view on the Jedi, but that didn't mean there should be mass genocide. Cassian's parents had enough. They devised a plan to take out the CIS once and for all.

Other remnants consisted of his new way of life. Cold, hard missions where he had to think fast before acting. The difficult truth of an animalistic, hostile nature he had to grow accustomed to.

The time was now. The new Galactic Empire reigned, only causing fear and havoc. Some planets rebelled in tiny proportions, but it wasn't enough. Other planets were on the verge of taking action, yet didn't have the guts to go through with it.

That's where Cassian's first solo mission came into play.

His mission was simple. Fan the small flame of rebellion to get more people to join the tiny cause. The Rebel Alliance was forming, but not fast enough. One of the most defining moments of Cassian's childhood started with a bomb in his hand.

Storm troopers set up a patrol in some city on a planet he couldn't name. The city's name twisted his tongue every time he tried; there were so many planets in the galaxy that his growing brain couldn't remember them all just yet.

Missions before this had all been the same. Reconnaissance. Infiltration. Raiding some of the smaller military compounds. This? This was new. Here he was, in the middle of a bustling city, about to launch a bomb at a patrol squad. There were innocent civilians around. Every other mission dealt with outdated clone troopers, or the fast-paced rise of storm troopers in outposts. Morally, it was much easier to take them out.

Now, there were innocents in the way.

Cassian's fingers held on tightly to the bomb. Nothing about this felt right. If the plan worked, innocent people would get in the way and die for a cause they didn't even know about. Die for a cause that doesn't mind getting dirty, as long as they grow with more members. If the galaxy was going to survive against the Empire, deeds like this had to be done. Cassian thought he agreed with that. He really did. But now? He hesitated.

The people...god, they looked so nice. So happy. So loving. Many alien races walked amongst the humans. A lot of people had children. Others were gathered in gambling circles. Some cooked delicious smelling food, even though it probably looked disgusting. Some cheered at some holographic game. Children ran around, screaming, yelling, playing games. Cassian yearned to play along and join them, but his mission held him back.

That was something he couldn't do.

Stooping so low to kill innocent people just to fan the flames of rebellion? No. Cassian wasn't going to sign himself up for that. These were real people with lives. They were being taken advantage of by the Empire, just like the Rebels were. The Rebels just decided to do something about it.

Cassian's mind fought with him. Back and forth, between finishing the mission for the sake of his mother and saving those innocent lives. His mother meant well, but the Rebellion didn't have to be like this. It didn't have to end in collateral damage.

He took a step back.

If Cassian did this, who would he become?

The boy shoved the bomb back into his pocket. He turned his back on the patrol. Turned his back on those innocent lives. Turned his back on what the Rebels fought for because he refused to become a monster. To become something the Rebels themselves didn't want to become. They just did it because they saw no other way out.

When he wondered back to his mother, she yanked him back into the U-Wing ship and closed the door. Her nostrils flared and her icy green eyes glared down at him with such a fiery intensity. He had never seen anything like it. She yelled at him relentlessly. Snatched the bomb from his hand once he took it out. Cassian tried to tune out, but all he heard were snippets.

"Don't you know what we're fighting for?"

I do. But this is wrong.

More talking. "You've jeopardized this entire mission!"

Who are you to say who lives or dies?

Xyrias yelled more, quiet enough to make sure no one else was listening on the outside of the ship. She looked down after exhaling deeply, setting her hands on her hips. She didn't yell this time. A welcomed change. But the words cut deeper than anything she had said earlier. "What would your father think of this, mijo?"

A metaphorical knife dove straight into little Cassian's heart. He broke his gaze from his mother and stared down at his boots. His father. Would he condone this? Murdering innocents? Would he fight against Xyrias? That's the father that Cassian knew. The way his mother said those words...it really made him doubt who his father was.

That is something he never thought he'd have to go through.

He loved his father to death, and to have the possibility of letting him down? Again? Cassian couldn't bare it. His heart ached immensely and his little hands shook. A tear fell out of his teary eyes. Cassian's lip quivered as he whispered, "I'm sorry."

The ship jumped out of hyperspace, jolting Cassian out of his memory. He sat in space for a moment near Dantooine. White clouds swirled on the left part of the atmosphere on the giant green sphere. Everything seemed so peaceful up here. Down there, it was gorgeous. Cassian knew that.

He stared at the planet for a while. The feeling from the memory stuck with him. Sadness. Depression. Regret. Guilt. He felt it bubble in his system as an uncontrollable force. Cassian's lips formed a tight line, his brow furrowed. He shoved his memory aside. Shoved his emotions aside. He always did, and today was no exception.

He couldn't feel much, anyway.

Cassian flew down to Dantooine base.