Built on Hope (Cassian Andor FF)

31. Aftershock

AN: This chapter goes out to endlessdaze for voting so much! Thank you. <3

Why did Cassian say any of that? He's thought about killing Talia? For what? The cause? Draven's orders? He didn't know which sounded worse.

On top of all that, the thought of killing a child made Cassian's chest tighten, especially because of how much Talia opened up to him. If he were in her shoes, he had no doubt in his mind he'd done the same as she did.

But he wasn't in her shoes.

He was in his own. His own worn down, rough, lived in shoes.

Cassian stood still in the middle of his room, completely unmoving. His brown eyes stared down at the ground, moving slightly from side to side as he contemplated what he had almost done.

Kill a child.

He told the truth to Talia. All of it was true. He couldn't have lied about what he thought.

What he didn't reveal is that some part of him would change if he had carried on with the mission. Some part? No. A huge part.

Cassian had done a lot of things he wasn't proud of.

Assassinations? It was easy for him to take the life of someone behind a mask. Reconnaissance? He didn't have to go in and do anything. Just monitor. Those were nothing compared to the more intense missions that hung on the back of his mind.

Two years ago, he had been on some outer rim planet. Small Imperial base that stored kyber crystals. One of the civilians wanted to get their collection back and assisted him on getting inside. Knew their way around like it was the back of their hand; it used to be an abandoned factory. Everything went wrong when the planet's rebel faction stormed the building as well and planted a bomb before they all got captured. Cassian escaped, and on comms, talked the civilian through on how to disarm it. Or so they thought. Cassian watched from a hill as the outpost blew up with everyone still inside.

One of the worst things he hated to do was when he sabotaged an Imperial ship a couple years back. The whole thing tore itself apart into tiny pieces when it attempted to go into hyperspace. All that was left was debris and bodies. Some were still alive, writhing in the vacuum of space. They spotted Cassian's ship in the short distance and attempted to wave to him. Move their mouths and beg for help. Cassian nearly vomited, yet couldn't tear his eyes away. It took the longest minute for them to slowly, and finally, stop moving, skin as blue and crystalline as one could see. That's what happens when someone messes with a hyperdrive. Cassian vowed to never witness another sabotage again.

And by the stars, he would never utter to another soul what happened on N'Zoth. Some nowhere desert planet in between Jedha and Coruscant. Went on a mission to assist a fellow rebel. In the firefight itself, Cassian shot everywhere. He was surrounded. One turn too many at the end, he launched a dagger through the air. It landed in the neck of his friend. Cassian didn't cry out. He didn't have the energy. All he could do was hold them in his arms, apologizing repeatedly until they passed. Blood stained his hands, and remained in his mind every time he looked down. When he got back to base, the rebels honored them for not making it back. None of them knew Cassian was the cause.

Could he stand to let another child go through the same things he did? Go through the pain? The extreme losses? Killing a piece of himself every time he had to do something horrible? Being left alone, time and time again because that's how this life is? One where no one wanted to be with him because of it, to make him so hard and angry that he doesn't let anyone in? How could he subject someone so small and bright to a future like that?