Of Monsters and Men (yuri x otabek)

Go On

It's been a few days, I haven't returned to the rink yet. To be honest, I don't really plan to. Otabek won't be there, he's going back to Kazakhstan for a little bit, said he had some things to figure out. But, how long is a little bit? I made the decision to leave him, and now I want him back already. I'm selfish. It's not even about me anymore.

But, it hurts, it hurts so much to know that he's so far away again; and it's my fault. It's funny how quickly things can change, it was easier before when I was denying my feelings for him, but eventually I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't let him belong to someone else.

I haven't left my bed for three days, grandpa thinks I'm dying, he's really worried about me. I keep telling him I'm fine, but I'm lying through my teeth. I can't tell him any of this, because I don't even know where to start.

I don't know anything. I'm empty, dark, nothing, I just want to be with him, but I can't.

"Maybe someday, when we're both stronger, and we have everything figured out, we can come back together."

When will I be stronger? What does it even mean to be strong? I've never been strong, I've just been pretending that I am all this time. I've always pretended, but when I was with Otabek, it was all real. Everything was real and pure.

I close my eyes.

"Are you really doing this to me?"

Why are you doing this to me?

"Yuri?"

Otabek?

"Yuri! Look at me!"

I open my eyes.

Anja and Viktor.

What are they doing here? Am I seeing things?

"Hey Yuri." I hear Anja speak softly.

No, I'm not.

"Please leave." I pull my covers over my head and turn away.

"Your grandpa let us in. Anja says that you haven't been at the rink lately, why's that?" Viktor asks, he sounds annoyed. Why doesn't he just get the hell out of here.

"Vicky, you promised you wouldn't get upset. He's just dealing with some things right now OK? I don't know all of the details, but I know that it's serious." Anja pleads.

"Well, this isn't the Yuri Plisetsky I know, he-"

"Look at me OK? We can get through this alright? Why are you giving up so early? This isn't the Yuri Plisetsky I know, you're a fighter, you are a soldier. I can see it in your eyes, you want this as much as I do, you don't want to just let it go so easily!"

I clench my teeth. "What the hell do you know!" I shout furiously. "Stop assuming everything about me, I-I'm not who you think I am. I'm weak, pathetic, useless..." I'm just tired of talking and trying to justify myself. I don't even know what I'm trying to prove to anyone anymore.

"Is that what you really think you are? Are you kidding me?" Viktor scoffs. "Do you not even know yourself?"

"No. I don't really know anything anymore."

He grabs my shoulder and forces me to face him. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

That's exactly what Otabek asked me wasn't it? I look blankly at him. "I'll never have the answer to that question, I'm sorry."

He drops his hand and stares at me. "Do you really think lying here in your self sorrow is going to change what problems have happened in your life? I don't know what's happened to you Yuri, but what I do know is that nothing is going to change if you just lay here, do nothing, and give up."