1: If someone ripped the wings off a fly, would it be called a walk?
2: That moment when you wake up in the middle of the night and the hallway is suddenly the most terrifying thing in the world.
3: When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
4: I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
5: Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
6: The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
7: Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
8: First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
9: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’
10: Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
11: Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
12: I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
13: I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
14: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
15: If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.
16: How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17: God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
18: Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.
19: I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
20: Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
21: I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
22: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
23: Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
24: Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
25: If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
26: I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
27: Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
28: The harder you work, the more work you make for yourself.
29: When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
30: America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
31: I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
32: A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose things systematically.
33: Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.
34: It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.
35: Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
36: The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. Ow.
37: Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
38: The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
39: The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
40: Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
41: I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
42: The best way to keep children home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere . . . and let the air out of the tires.
43: I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.
44: Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
45: I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
