Red ⇢ Sam Winchester (sequel to Half-Blood) | "complete"

⇢ e l e v e n ⇠

Elliot

The hunt had gone well, I had actually taken out more of them than either of the boys had. Which is always cool, but I think it worried Dean a little. I heard him mutter something to Castiel about keeping a closer eye on me than before. I don't blame him, trust me I don't. I know he's probably still stressing out about me being full demon. But he's trusting me and I think that says more than him telling Cas to keep an eye on me. The fact that he's taking the risk on it and not just shoving me in the dungeon like he had for the first week.

But there wasn't a doubt in my mind that the only reason he let me out, was because of Sammy. I knew that they probably had the talk several times, and each time Dean probably felt worse and worse for his little brother. If there's anything I knew about Sam for sure, it's that part of him hated me being tortured. I saw it in his eyes, as he stood over me and cut me with the blade, and soaked my body with holy water. It hurt him to see me hurt.

Having been out in the wide open really made me happy. I know I had been outside for a few minutes before the boys got me, but this was different. I was free, and I felt like I didn't have all that baggage from Hell on my shoulders. But there was one thing, there, sitting on my shoulder.

Sammy.

I had never stopped thinking about him. Not once. I loved, hell I love, Sammy. He's the most amazing person I have ever known in my life. There was no doubt about it, and I had always hoped he thought of me too, and had worried. But I know that after a year, he stopped thinking about me. I know he thought I was dead and never going to come back. There wasn't a doubt in my mind about any of those things. Hell, I wouldn't doubt if he didn't even want me to come back.

But, here I am, after five years of living Hell (literally), I am alive and well. Physically, at least. Mentally and emotionally? Not so much. After being tortured, it almost makes me feel bad for all those monsters we tortured. Almost, but not quite. They still deserved everything they got. The difference between them and myself is that I have never killed anyone just to kill them. Everyone I've killed has been a monster.

Part of me wanted to be angry with Sam and Dean for torturing me, part of me just wants to forgive and forget. Being angry about it isn't going to take me back in time to prevent it from ever happening. It isn't going to make me not hurt.

-

"Ellie, can we talk?" Sam asked me, "It's kind of important."

"Sure, Sammy," I smiled slightly, "What is it?"

"You've been being kind of weird lately, spacing out a lot, walking around at night," He looked into my eyes, "What is going on?"

"I'm just trying to adjust. I was gone for five years, it's hard to get back into the swing of things so quickly," I chuckled nervously, "You really expect me to be right back on my okay game?"

Lying to him was hard, but it was worth it. I didn't want to just come right out up front and tell him that I love him. I can't just tell him that I miss the way we used to be, that I miss being with him. Lying is what lost me his trust in the first place, yet for some reason I keep doing it.

// june 3 2018