You Are Missing From Me (Book 1)

Part 13 - Scars

Right now I sit in the room that has been my home for the foreseeable future. I sat on the floor, tears flowing down my face. A blade in my hand. It's not a matter of wanting to cut, but the need to cut. I so need to cut. The blade resting on wrist as I fight the urge to start cutting because I knew if I started I wouldn't stop. I like the fact that I was in control of whole thing but lately I was losing all the control I had in my life and I was aching for some control no matter what the form. I lose of the fight in me as I press a little on the blade breaking the skin ever so slightly a little blood escaping from beneath my skin. A knock at the door broke my focus and my grip on the blade slipped from my fingers to the floor.

The last person I thought to see walked through the door with my little girl in his arms. I regret everything I was doing. What I was about to do.

"Harry..." my voice croaked after not speaking since I last spoke to him a few hours ago.

"Ari, someone wanted to see and I thought we needed to talk about what you told me earlier." He spoke evenly. Whilst walking towards me.

"Hello sweetie. Mummy missed you yes she did." I cooed at her gaining a gurgle from her. I smiled and instantly regretted what I was just about to do. I broke down holding Lily close. I can't believe I was going to start again.

"You're bleeding Ari." Harry spoke as he reached for my wrist. I pulled back not wanting him to see.

Harry grabbed my wrist and pulled it towards him. He wiped the fresh from my wrist. I felt exposed as if I was naked. I never wanted him to him to see. He traced a few of the scars left behind from years ago.

"Why?" he asked quietly. I still hadn't looked him in the eye. I couldn't bring myself to.

"No one knew except Draco. Not by choice either. He caught me at it. It was actually what brought us together over time. Every day is a struggle. I'm not okay, I'm just good at pretending I am. I'm trying really hard to be fine. But I'm not fine. NO one notices I'm breaking inside. People see the happy me and don't have a second thought about me hurting because they see me laughing. But actually, I laugh to keep myself from crying. It hurts. What was the point in crying when there was no one there to comfort you? I kept pretending everything was okay." I find the courage to look him in the eye. Tears were falling from his face as his hand remained in mine. "I'm sick of making things worse. I'm sick of being hurt. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep. I'm sick of hating everything. I'm sick of faking a smile. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of letting people down. I'm sick of being me. I thought I wanted to die. But in reality I just want to be saved. But I didn't mean to fuck everything up. I never meant to fall in love with Draco Malfoy. I never felt I belonged anywhere. Ron and Hermione were your friends and only mine by association in the beginning and that was fine you are entitled to lead your own life how you want to, have your own friends. I felt alone. But all I ever wanted was to, I just want to belong to someone. And you just feel ignored for long enough... and It's nice to feel special sometimes. Draco noticed me. He stopped me the first time before I took it too far. I owe him my life Harry. I don't think I would be here without him. He didn't tell me to get over like most people would. He said 'I'm going to help you through it.' Harry he helped me more than anyone ever could and I helped him. He never had an easy life. Brought up as the Malfoy heir, to believe what his father says, to do as his father wishes or face the wrath of powerful hexes and curses."

"But he became a death eater Ari, he is one of them." Harry spoke calmly.

"People do bad things when they are trying to survive. He never had a choice that he made for himself truly. He always made them to please his father. He looked up to him for years. We grew up in a muggle world not knowing about magic other than it was something in fairytales but Draco grew up in that fairytale with his father's wand poised to send a curse at him if he said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing. You are the boy who lived, savior for this world but Draco is the boy who never had a choice." I spoke calmly but with a firm tone running through it.

Lily began to cry one that I recognized as hunger. I begin to remove my arm from my sleeve and Harry face was a picture, he adverted his gaze and made to turn for the door. "I have to feed her. Sorry didn't think about it. Bill and Fleur are used to me doing it anywhere in the house. I didn't really think. Give me the blanket over there and I can cover up. We need to work this out. I can't have you leave here in the middle of a fight."

Once I was comfortable with a cushion under my arm for support, Harry and I continued our conversation. But we delved into other topics catching up like we ought to have had in the beginning. I placed Lily on my bed between us. Harry was watching her sleep exactly like I have countless times. He had a smile on his face that I had missed so much. We had slipped into a comfortable silence with only Lily's light snores making noise.

"She looks like mum. Except her eyes." Harry whispered. "Almost the opposite of me."

Harry was forever told he was the spitting image of our Father but with our Mother's, mesmerizing green almond eyes. "She has her Father's eyes. Mum's hair from birth with your messiness that she is going to hate when she is a teenager. I just hope she grows out of it but by your luck I am not convincing myself." I laugh.

"I wish her luck." He laughter reaching his eyes.

"She was born on mum's birthday." I said all of a sudden. "I didn't really think of names before it just kind of fit almost like a sign with the day and hair. It felt right."

We continued talking for a few more hours until I was nearly falling asleep.

"Night Ari." Harry whispered as he placed Lily in her crib by my bed and left the room. My dreams to back to Hogwarts and the times we spent in the room of requirements.