The Side You Don't See (Yaoi Boyxboy)

21

The tears that sprung in his eyes when he met mine were no distraction from the rest of his expression. He looked like he'd been through hell. Dark circles ran underneath his eyes, and his eyes themselves were puffy and red as if he'd been crying for days. His distraught appearance surprised me, admittedly...I sincerely expected him to simply slam the door in our faces, as one of the others mentioned earlier. Instead he nearly broke as looked at me. Then it happened. He went to shut us out.

Yuji was extremely quick to move, and shoved his foot in the door at the last second. Instead of simply opening the door back up and staying relatively calm or just telling us to go away, he swung the door open violently and immediately grabbed Yuji's shirt by the collar like he had at school.

"Go away. Don't think I'm joking when I say I'll beat the shit out of you if you don't leave." He spat and literally threw Yuji down the steps. Luckily our friends were gathered below and managed to break his fall slightly. There wasn't many steps, so it wasn't too far down...but it still had scared both Yuji and myself. I was right when I said visiting him hadn't been the best idea. Yuji and I were the last people he would want to see right now.

"You idiot. We're here to fix things, not make them worse." Yuji's usual polite tone had vanished, and when I looked back at him he wasn't wearing a calm face like he always did. He looked annoyed. I'd never sen him like this before. Even though he wasn't particularly nasty looking or scary, I'd never seen him this way. It was odd for me. Maybe that time I really had seen him look annoyed at Kizumi's name...was it possible that he hadn't like Kizumi this whole time?

"What the hell did you just call me?" Kizumi stepped out from his house, entirely prepared to actually go after Yuji. Instinctively, I reached out and placed my hands on Kizumi's chest, stopping him from moving any closer to Yuji and the others. It was difficult, but I managed.

"Kizumi, stop it. Please. We're not here to fight with you." I pleaded with him.

"Why did you even bother coming here? To rip my feelings apart even more?" He suddenly glared down at me. I felt shocked by his accusation. Weren't my feelings the ones that had been ripped apart? I wasn't the one who had ended our relationship. I wasn't the one who had left him standing in the hallway in tears and ignored him for days on end.

He stared down at me, and then all of a sudden I was whisked inside, and his door was slammed behind us. I heard him lock it and then he turned and  met me with an expression that was so mixed I felt confused simply by looking at him. Was he waiting for me to reply? Was he going to say something? As I stood there looking at his face, I was suddenly reminded of the first time I had ever come to his house.

How silent and awkward it had been...that first confusing kiss and how I had enjoyed it. Every one after that, as well...tears stung my eyes as I thought about it. Why had that found it's way into my head just then? I finally decided to speak, saying something that I had been wondering since the day Yuji and him had met. This time, my sentence was choked and hurt. A thousand feelings swirled in it, even though it was a simple question.

"What is the matter with you?" I blinked through my tears, pained by his presence. His silence brought me to blurt things that I didn't want to say, but truly felt. "I'm not any different than anyone else, am I? It was so easy for you to just toss me aside like that...do you know how much that hurt? Do you realize that I thought you really did want me? And...then you just threw me away like it didn't matter-" I started to choke on my words, but that wasn't why I had stopped talking. It was Kizumi who cut me off by shoving me.

"You're so stupid, Shirou. How much more stupid can you even get?" His words hurt, but I listened carefully as he continued with teary eyes. "Even from the first day I met you, you've been such an oblivious idiot! How can you not have seen what Yuji was doing? The looks he was giving me when he sat so close to you and managed to make you laugh every single day!?"

"I don't-" I wiped my tears away, trying to intervene, but he kept going. I stayed silent.

"I know it looked liked nothing on the outside, okay? I know nobody noticed anything but I did. You don't know how he was looking at me all the time when he hugged you, or when I was unable to join the conversations. I'm even more aware that I'm not anything great compared to Yuji, or anyone else for that matter." He suddenly started to choke on his own words as he continued. "I'm sorry, Shirou. I'm sorry that I'm not as great as he is. I can't make you laugh as much as him, I'm not as friendly or outgoing as him...that's why it hurts so bad to lose to him. I'm not able to do that stuff." He was actually crying now. real, heartbreaking sobs that caused me to reach out to him with shaking hands.

Kizumi felt beaten down and worthless compared to Yuji. He felt less capable and his self-esteem had plummeted. I didn't know he even felt this way. I thought he was simply fed up and jealous of Yuji this whole time. It was more than that, though. Of course it was more than that...I just kept denying it was anything more. I didn't want it to be anything more because that was so much harder to understand and deal with. It was the reality of the situation, though. When I touched his arm, he pulled away and turned his body away from mine, ashamed of his tears and his feelings.

He probably felt pathetic right now.