“I’m here. You’re okay. You’re okay.” He soothes.
I’m shaking.
“shhhh. Shhhh.”
After a while my crying ceases and I’m just cuddled up to him.
We lie there in silence and I listen to his heart.
“that was hard to tell me wasn’t it?”
I nod into his chest.
“I’m sorry. For everything. Once you’re okay I’m going to leave and if you never want to see me again then that’s fine, I understand.”
“what are you talking about tom?”
“I hurt you. I made you tell me that and it hurt you and I shouldn’t have made you.”
“I’m glad I said it.”
“You are?”
“yeah, yelling my troubles Is alright, actually. It seemed to help.”
I feel his shoulders shrug. “might make you angry me more often.” He laughs.
“no thankyou.” I reply, giggling.
“so what has happened within the past year?”
“don’t worry.”
“okay.” He says, and then goes back to being silent.
"wait, is this the thing you told Harry and Sam?"
“yeah.”
“and you wont tell me?”
“I don’t feel that I want to.”
“ why not?”
“I don’t feel like I need to. I don’t need sympathy and you won’t gain anything from knowing.”
“but harry and sam did?”
“I guess so, yeah. It kind of just came up in conversation.”
“they cant keep anything secret. They’re complete dicks.”
“its not a secret. People know but I don’t want to tell you now. And they aren’t. Maybe if you were nice to them then they would be nice to you?”
“the only time they show me any respect is infront of cameras.”
“I’m not going to argue. But you should be happy to have them as brothers.”
“you can have them.” He smiles as he speaks and shrugs.
I untangle myself from his arms and move to the end of the sofa. Away from him.
“are you fucking kidding me?” I say. My outburst suprises me.
“what?”
“did you just wish your brothers away?”
“yeah. You can have them. But not paddy, I like Paddy.”
“you cant do that. You cant choose who your brothers are.”
“I was joking.”
"yeah? Well next time say something that’s funny.”
By now I’m on the other side of the sofa.
“maybe you should realise how annoying it is to live with two brothers who only ever show any love to you when you are infront of people who want to put you on their websites or interview you or take pictures.”
“maybe you should realise how its like to be an only child.”
“I would love to.” Both of our voices are now raised. “I mean imagine the freedom.” He says.
