my smutty life

unce upon life

I woke up by noise coming from the kitchen. I wanted to get up but I got pushed down. " What the fuck" I wisperd and looked down, too see a super cute Levi sleeping on my chest. He looked so peaceful and so not worried. i wrapped my arms around him and kissed the top of his head and sighed. and here we go, I started thinking. I'm tired, not just of not enough sleep, just of life. Sure my life ain't that bad, I don't know! I just fucking feel the fucking way I do without fucking knowing why! Man i'm pissed of now. I felt the anger growing inside of me, and soon or late i'll explode. Maybe i'll hurt Levi or other persons. I'll probably hurt myself. I may look good and act good and fuck much and smoke pot and cigs, but why the fuck do you think I do that? Sure the sex is good, it ain't just good its fucking delicious! and acting alright because I don't want all of this emotional bullshit too happen! I smoke for some peace and too feel nothing for a while, I even drink alcohol most of the time just too numb the reality! I really am fucked up come to think of it. But if you look at it in a certan way it does makes sence, i'm only trying to escape the reality, the world that's around me. nobody asked to live but everybody just goes along with it. you are born, you grow up, you make a future or not just to realise when you're old to regret all the things you didn't do and didn't learned or tried because life is hard at that moment or just to realise that all you did when you where young was study and sure you got lots of moneys now but you never really had fun, like real fun. Sure you can drink now and be all serious and grown up and like yes yes much smart, much money but lil fun and no life. You never tried stuff to not be stuff or become stuff. Yeah you didn't really waste you're life but still you did. Who is the one to tell us that we need to make a future? We don't live, we survive. We learn so we can survive later when we are all grown up. we learn so we wont have a bad life and in the hope that we will make money and have a nice family with a huge or small house with a household that's perfect so you need to push your children to do their best to have a future and on and on and on goes the circel! ON AND ON AND ON AND WE ALL CALL THE KIDS THAT DON'T DO WHAT THEY SHOULD DO BAD KIDS, SURE THEY AIN'T GOOD KIDS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK? WHAT WHERE YOU FUCKING HOPING FORE? WE CAN'T ALL JUST DO THAT! ITS TOO MUCH FOR US, AND YET WE KEEP GOING ON AND ON AND THEN WE KILL OURSELF BECAUSE ITS JUST WAY TO MUCH AND WE JUST KEEP REALISING LIFE ISN'T FUCKING WORTH IT AND ALL WE WANT AT THE MOMENT IS PEACE AND QUIT AND GUESS WHAT DEATH LOOKS LIKE THAT. I jumped up, trowing Levi off me. He landed on the ground and looked confused as hell. I saw someone coming out of the kitchen but I ran the the Frontdoor grabbed my vans and ran away. I ran and kept running. I was wearing sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt. I ran into an small ally and smashed my head against a wall. I started yelling and hitted the same wall, I heard a strange noise coming from my hand but I couldn't care less. I kept hitting and hitting and hitting and hitting and hitting and hitting and hitting and then I suddenly stopped. I looked up at the sky, today it wasn't one of these gray days, it still was fucking cold for sure but the sky was blue, no clouds, no sounds. Just silence. I sat down against the wall and layed my head on my hands. I didn't think, I listened to the nothing around me. At this moment there where no needs, no things to do. there was a me sitting on the ground in the cold winter listening to the nothing around me. I sighed and looked up, I felt the tears rolling down at my face and dripping on my shirt. I started laughing and started bumping my head against the wall, I hit it one more time really hard and wisperd '' its all just so hard. Its too much and i'm on the very edge of life." and then I smiled. I got up and searched in my jogging its pockets for money. I found my phone and a wallet, but it wasn't mine. I opened it too see Levi looking back. I looked trough it and found 90 dollars, good enough. I texted armin:

me: ey coco, u got smthng to do today r not?

armin: depens and what the fuck u r planning 2 do mah friend.

me: I'm going up tonight, wonna join in?

armin: see u @ park ?

me: last one there gets to do a dare, see u later coconutgater.